More stuff goes here:


And I was just bombarded again. THAT'S COOL.

You know, to be honest, I'm never completely sure of anything - because who is? Is that such a terrible thing? In reality, most of us accept that not everything in life can be planned. We work with what we're given, hope for the best, do what makes us happy in the moment while still trying our best to attain what we want long-term. We realize that this is possible without having to completely predetermine every major point in our lives, and we do so without feeling any less accomplished than those who do the opposite. We go with the flow, if you will, and I personally see nothing wrong with this.

The point is, you really can stop calling me a child for living this way. In reality you're just a cynical asshole who can hardly keep a handle on anything he's involved in anyway, who believes he's some kind of psychologist, and who always feels the need to tell me how wrong I am in my own personal decisions for reasons I can't even fathom. Honestly, you could probably use to take a closer look at your own life before rebuking mine. Maybe if you could control your own emotions I would actually be able to trust you.


"Please don't read this until you get home."

That's how your letter started. I remember it still, because you gave it to me without even looking me in the eye and then took off on your bicycle. To be honest, I read it as soon as you were out of eyesight.

It was something like our sophomore year of high school, back when this whole passing notes thing was the norm. I don't know why we did it - it's not like we ever had much of anything new to say. We were on the phone together every single night, so what did it matter, you handing me a note that I couldn't read until I got home? I was just going to call you as soon as I was there or as soon as I read it, whichever my attention focused on first.

I unfolded the note, which was written in pencil and already showing wear; obviously, whatever was inside had really bothered you. I read your words and I went on my way, calling you that night as always.

And you didn't answer.

This was phase one in the process of losing you.


Just noting.

Thanks for actually giving a shit about me, actually sticking by my side instead of berating me for the things you're not proud of.

Some people aren't as willing.


You make me happy, sometimes.

Seriously, dude, what is your deal?

You never even explained why you were angry with me in the first place, all I knew was that you were. You gave me that fucked up line, "I can't promise that I won't stop talking to you," a few days after you told me that you wanted to be in my life forever - far-fetched in the first place, sure, but it could have lasted more than 48 hours. You think?

I'm tired of you flipping back and forth, and I'm honestly beginning to think that our good days have some pretty fucking stupid underlying factors - where I am, what I'm dong, whether or not you can get a ride home from work, whether or not you think someone else is flirting with me; is this a convenience thing? Comfort? You say you're sincere, that you love me, but whatever. I can't tell anymore.

I'm getting fed up, and I don't expect you to make any changes, so I'm going to have to make one myself. And because I refuse to evolve my life around someone else's ever again, that change is going to have to a be something a little more closely resembling a goodbye.

I hate even thinking that.


This wasn't supposed to happen, but I'm not really complaining.

"You promise you're always going to be in my life, at least as my best friend?"
"How about as more than a best friend?"
"...I'd like that."
"Then maybe we should do that."

I know it's a damn crazy promise to expect anyone to keep, but it's one that can at least make us feel some sort of comfort in the present. What's nice about it is that I can currently say I'm happy with the situation, that I'm committed to this, and I can say that, with the impression I'm given, he's happy with it, as well. This, at the very least, has been made extremely clear to me.

And while things felt like they were going down the shitter for a while there, all alibis were backed up (even accidentally), and all hurts were talked through. I feel much better than I did before, and I don't have any doubt that he means what he says. Especially not with the way he's been treating me - which is extremely well, in case the powers of the internet have made that sentence seem like it was meant to be negative.

Last night, I fell asleep to him having said he loves me about twenty-two-million times, to him saying the sweetest things in the world, and I couldn't have fallen asleep with a larger smile on my big, stupid face.

PS: Kendra needs to stop making fun of me. "This is the girliest I've ever seen you!" As a warning, you're going to be the deadest I've ever seen you if you don't shut that pie-hole.

PPS: I wouldn't actually kill Kendra. Because I love her more than I hate her.


The little details matter.

Everyone's in such a hurry these days, but do they even know where they're going? Do they actually know what they want? If it's so simple, why do most stories end with unhappiness?

Rewind! Take it easy.

Remove that finger from the fast-forward button, you're missing the show.


Actually, it's perfectly okay for you to just skip this one altogether.

This post is more for my sake than yours.

My weekend was awesome, but now every muscle in my body is screaming in pain. Also, I miss someone and I'm way bothered. On top of all of this, I'm a little freaked out (which is a different story entirely). Yes, I know I'm being vague. Yes, this post is going to continue that way. Probably because I'm too lazy to actually explain anything right now, but computers have been out of my reach for most of the weekend, and so I wanted to say something just because I'm here.

Anyway, details later.


Something different.

I've been drifting between hobbies for a long time, mostly because I'm terrible at sticking to any one thing. I'm sure I mention that every time I take writing back up, right? It's not that I learn something, get bored, and never touch it again...I guess the best way to say it is that my interest fades in and out? I don't know how to word this, and because anything I type right now is going to sound stupid to me, I'm just going to leave it as it is.

Anyway, I'm currently in a writing cycle, obviously, but I thought I would share a few of my pictures anyway. Just for something different than a block of text.

I'm going to go ahead and sleep now. Have an awesome whatever-it-is-you're-experiencing.


I keep repeating this, but you all seem to be deaf.

This is just another thing I need to get off my chest: Stop judging my life!

Seriously, guys, knock it off. Realistically, all you're accomplishing by chastising me is establishing a feeling of awkwardness between us, because you're not stopping me. I'm going to continue making decisions for myself, and if that's not okay with you, all I can really do is avoid speaking of these issues in your presence. That only makes life frustrating for both of us, because I know I don't want to hide anything, and I would assume that you don't want to feel as though you're being deceived.

For the record, I promise that I'm capable of making my own decisions, and if they turn out to be mistakes, so be it. None of this is going to change me to the point that I'm not the person you know now, the most it will become is a lesson in how to better approach things in the future. And that's perfectly reasonable - it's part of everything that we do in life. Because most things don't work out, but that never stops us from trying. We're supposed to take chances, to be ourselves, to do what we need to do to be happy, and that's all I'm doing here.

If you can't agree with what I've decided, then at least try and find comfort in the fact that I'm content.

At least that.

I really just needed to say it.

As long as I can remember, I've been wasting my time tip-toeing around my dad because I'm afraid of hurting him, and that's becoming more and more of a problem for me. I understand that he's an overprotective man, but there's certainly a time that you need to step back and realize that your child isn't exactly a child anymore, that you've done all that you can to raise them right. You need to look at the situation logically and let them make their decisions on their own, because if you've instilled the morals that you intended, there shouldn't be any doubt in your mind that they're going to do the right thing.

I want to move out, but realistically, that takes me having a job - something that I would currently have if not for him telling me that I couldn't accept it. Instead, he needed me to get my sister from school, a situation which conflicted with said job. And I want a car, but no, I have to use the money that could be put toward that to pay him rent, which I could be wasting somewhere where I am actually capable of being an adult. I  really do understand that I have responsibilities here, and I've accepted that. I've done what he's asked of me with little complaint (at least to him), and I've tried my hardest to make it simple for him. He's a single father, I understand that that's not always going to be easy, but I really do believe that I have to get out of here to be capable of growing as a person. And sure, it's not exactly going to be a piece of cake getting myself out into the world...I haven't tried to pretend it would be, but I believe it's time to figure that out for myself instead of being told so by my father.

Now he's telling me my other sister may be driving within a month, and that honestly doesn't even bother me. Once she's driving, there's nothing holding me here. I can get a job, I can live the way I want to live, I can leave without feeling like I'm abandoning the family, like I'm leaving them with no way of getting themselves to school. I'm turning twenty in less than a month - fucking twenty, and yet I can't go out on school nights, I can't buy myself the things I need, no, instead I'm treated like a twelve-year-old fucking child. I'm tired of it, and I've been so afraid of disappointing him that I've just kept my mouth shut in order to please him.

No more.


This is who I am; this is what I hate.

I am such an unsure and easily depressed person that the slightest waver in the way a person interacts with me (meaning, for example, that I feel like they're trying to hide something from me as compared to their normal interface) is capable of ruining my whole day. I mean, I know that sounds pretty bad, and it's not that it happens often, but it's totally possible and has in fact happened before. The smallest things are capable of making me feel like shit for days and I know how absolutely broken that makes me sound, but the knowledge that I'm overreacting or whatever it is that I'm doing, being cognizant of that, it just doesn't change the outcome.

I just...I don't know how I feel right now. Earlier, something happened that made me feel strange but that any normal person probably wouldn't have wasted energy thinking about. And then in the middle of it all, I was granted the chance to hang out with my best friend, and was happy enough that the incident hardly mattered. At the end, though, a similar situation came along to just sandwich my insecurity in nice and tight, but my happiness was still lingering and I therefore didn't give it much thought - that is, not until I was alone in my room. This was the time of day during which I had nothing to focus on but the situation, one that, like I said, would never have mattered to someone who wasn't dissecting it repeatedly, almost helplessly, making more of it than (I'm sure) it was ever realistically close to being.

I hate my mind sometimes.

I don't know why I have to focus on the negative things. There was so much good mixed into today, why can't I just throw out the extremely small amount of bad and let it rest? Why can't I relive the positive until I fall asleep to it, and let my mind wander with thoughts of the generous amount of happiness I found in today rather than the slight discomfort it brought me?

I don't know the answer to that either. If I realize what's wrong, shouldn't it be so easy to fix? I hope you didn't say yes to that, because while I really do want to be on your side, optimists, we all know that it's not that simple.

I'll fix me, though. Eventually. And even if I don't, I'll learn to live with myself, and eventually I can love myself, as well.


Sometimes I wonder how often I actually repeat myself. I mean, it's probably not the most terrible thing - because at least I'm stable in my opinions of the world? But occasionally I actually get on my own nerves, and I wonder whether I'm ever going to have anything worth saying again. I mean, everything is worth saying, but something worth saying that I haven't said before? I don't even know what I want, actually.

Maybe the solution is that you should just ignore everything I've ever mentioned, because then it will all look new to you no matter what. Unless what I told you was that you should look out, because the bear behind you looks angry and hungry and maul-y. Then you might regret that decision.

Never mind, just ignore that last paragraph instead.

Allow me to say this in the nerdiest way possible?

I don't know how to explain this properly, so I'm just going to delve into an extremely poor analogy here instead: it's like I don't have enough hard drive space for you in this shitty computer that is my life (I know, it's pretty bad - but I did warn you). And even if that weren't the case, my software seems to be picking you up as a virus while someone else's may find you completely harmless. In all honesty, you're something that, at least currently, just needs to be uninstalled.

Don't judge me for such an awful comparison, and please do have a nice life.



Today has been fabulous. My mood's improved tenfold, and a few of my friends and I decided to start a group to exercise about four to five times a week, which I'm actually looking forward to. And yeah, I got to see my best friend today, which is just fucking rad, because he's fantastic at making me feel better. Not that I rely on that one person for happiness - thank you to all of my friends who have been talking to me through this depression. I know I got pretty bad, and I'm forever grateful that no one turned around and said fuck it, she's hopeless. Because I felt pretty hopeless, and the fact that you guys didn't think so makes me feel better about myself altogether, even if we all know this will happen again. And even though I was acting like a pretty huge douche to some of you, because I know I was. That's something, and I fucking love you guys. 


Totally going to head out and hang out with friends. Hookah tonight! :D

Just wanted to say that life is feeling better. I wasn't sure how I was going to wake up this morning, but it's been fucking fantastic so far. I mean, in comparison with the last week or so. You get it.

Have a great day, guys. :)



Seriously? Fucker. Stupid piece of shit fucker. You don't just puspeople. You don't. I don't know how you can sit there and go on and on about how you're so depressed, about how badly you want to die, and then fucking get in someone's face like that. You're trash, and I'm still pissed as hell about it.

Do I not have the right to be?

Selfless, selfish

So many artists want to die. It's probably just the fact that they look at the world so much more closely than others might. Strange thought.

I'm stressed beyond belief, and oh so confused. I don't even know how to explain this situation. Let's see here...I'll go with the simplest way possible, which will probably still be confusing. So F and I were hanging out at a party, where he thought I was planning to hook up with him. I set him straight because I like D, his best friend. Later, his other friend J ended up lying with me on the sidewalk and cuddling into me and flirting, where we talked for a while. He asked if I liked F, and I told him about D. F wasn't giving us the best of looks at that moment...and when they woke up, F had to tell J how he was acting with me. I can't even imagine what was going through F's head - firstly, he's been more obvious about the fact that he likes me than he thinks, and secondly, he knows how I feel about his best friend. Shitballs. This feels like teenage shit, and I just don't want it.

Anyway, god, I can't even begin to explain what's going on in my life right now. I can't sleep, therefore I'm tired all the time. And actually, I have been sleeping, and without pills, too, which is something...yet, still tired. Fucking sucks. I don't feel comfortable fucking anywhere right now, and that's just terrible. One of my best friends is...well, she doesn't seem to realize it, but I just can't handle being around her all the time, if at all anymore. At least not in the mood I've been in lately, because all she does is whine and repeat herself, and she sounds like a fucking three-year-old. I understand you need to bitch sometimes, I fucking get it, but you've said the same things four hundred times, and no one really thought it was all that important the first time. Sorry.

I totally went out of my way to help my ex out, and he fucking ignored me. Dipshit. I ended up telling his new girlfriend, and she fucking paid it more mind than he did. He can just go fuck himself next time, I'll answer the phone and tell his boss that he doesn't care about anything but his newest victim. Lmao. I'm kidding, I just can't be cruel...not to most people. Then again, I've been pretty eh lately, it might be possible. I've picked so many fights with D, it's ridiculous. And a friend and I were talking about the way I've been feeling - which just...isn't good - and she called me out on the fact that when people get close to me, I start pushing. I always feel bad later, usually immediately afterward, but I still always do it and I always have. Fuck me. Whatevers.

I still have no job, I still live at home, I still can't afford shit for myself, I'm not doing well in school, I'm starting to even feel uncomfortable around the people I'm closest to. I'm tired of everything right now, and I just want to run away from it all. But I have nowhere to go, and I can't bring myself to disappoint my dad like that, not when he relies on me like he does. I understand that I can go and stay elsewhere, and that I can come back and drive my sisters to school, but to him, I'm abandoning them. He won't rely on me if I'm not here in the house, right where he can make sure I'm staying on track. And if I take time off school, he'll never forgive me. I have to do what he expects. I can't take a break from the things making me feel like shit. I have to keep going and just hope it turns out right, which is fucking hard when my heart's not in it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Sometimes it's just a little too hard to forget that I'm supposed to be making myself happy over everyone else. And even harder to try and talk myself into putting myself first, as strange as that sounds.


Stream of consciousness

I don't know what the right thing is anymore. If you're only making decisions to make others happy, yet you're still miserable, that's wrong, isn't it? And if what makes you happy is looked down upon, you have to either avoid it or keep it secret. So the right thing becomes - what? The thing that makes you happy or that which pleases everyone else?

They'll say you're the one who matters, but in all honesty you need to please them in the end to even consider being accepted. That's always the way it works.


I have so many things to rant about; this happens to be the most recent.

I have so much to say that I don't know what to say.

I let everything loose today, told him everything that I've wanted to say, and that pissed him off. Immediately afterward, I felt stupid as hell, regretted every little piece of it, and I just don't even understand myself. If it's been bothering me so bad, if it's been on my mind for so long, then why would it ever have been bad to share? I can't repress my feelings, and yet I really wish I would have.

The whole, "I really don't want to lose you, but I have to go for my best friend" - sure, I get it. They're practically brothers. But then it comes out that his best friend doesn't even want to go, is angry about the whole situation, and he's the one looking to run? It's tiring, always having to second-guess everything. And before the moving thing even came up, we were good, nice and happy, but afterward he begins to disappear on me...sure, he texts me, but all of a sudden he can't see me. Too busy. Maybe it's one of those fade-out things, something to make the inevitable complete loss of him a little less painful, but it's really not doing anything but making it worse. Because then he's still talking to me, still showing up every few days, still leaving some stupid hope there. Not being able to see him makes the times that I do a little better, even if it does frustrate me to no end when he's not there...that might seem weird, but it's true. Whatever.

Seriously, though, his best friend had the audacity to ask me if I was moving with them. And I'm sorry, but I can't just up and run from my life just because some boy asks me to. Granted, he didn't even ask, just his friend. So I tell his friend that I have a family, school, a life, and that I just can't give all of that up, and he tells me I'm being a baby. Boy never brings any of this up to me after I tell his friend what I've said here, and when I bring it up to him, he gets angry with me. Exact wording? "Just so you know, it's easier to run from everything when you have nothing to stay here for. Not everyone has a dad to live with or his van to drive around."

This, for some reason, really hurts me. It's not my fault that my father has taken care of me and he hardly sees his family, and I know he was looking for something to hurt me with because he was hurt himself, but fuck. The only reason I drive my dad's car is because he needed me to be able to get my sisters to and from school for him, otherwise the guys never would have allowed me to get my license unless I was the one paying for it. And honestly, I drive this boy to and from work quite a bit and I'm not even supposed to. That's my gas, that's me risking getting into trouble with my father FOR HIM. So maybe he could try NOT throwing shit in my face when I go out of my way for him so often, just maybe? I know he hurts, but maybe he needs to take a step back and be a little more appreciative of the things that are in his life, rather than the things that aren't. Like the fact that, even though he's been out of his home since thirteen, he's had friends to keep him on his feet, that he's not homeless? That he has a job and a place to live and people who care for him?

I honestly do wish things had gone better for him in his life, and I really with I could help him now, but the fact that he wants to run from his problems truly does bother me. I know things have been a little better off for me throughout my lifetime and I know that things could be so much better for him, but fuck, he relies so much on the negatives. Am I wrong to be frustrated by that?


Fuck trust.

"Steps back always find themselves becoming steps forward." A friend just said this to me, and I don't really know how I should process it. I'll have to think on it for a while.

Anyway, as I was saying there, there are a few different things weighing on me right now, and I'm really thinking I just need to take a step back from it all. Let it play out the way it's meant to, and if that includes me in any way, let it happen. If not, I shouldn't push myself into the mix.

I really want my appointment to come so I can figure out what the hell is growing on my neck. I want my mother to stop being a bastard and answer my text messages if she's going to pretend that she wants things to be okay between us. I want to feel comfortable in school and at home and fucking wherever I choose to spend my time. I want a job. I want to be able to trust my friends. I want so many things.

I'm super happy to have Kendra for a best friend, and yes, I do rank her above the rest of you. Get over it. That whole backstabber bit that we all fought? Yeah, I'm beginning to agree with it a bit, but I'll never tell anyone but Kendra the way I feel. And I realize you think very highly of yourself, but we don't all need your permission to do what we want in life. Stop trying to give unwanted advice, which really turns out to be less advice and more of you attempting to control the situation.

I'm so sick and tired of being used, of being told what to do, of so many different things.



I used this title because, for reasons I can't remember, it's a word that is written at the top of the page I wrote on September 6, and it kind of sounds poetic in itself. Anyway, these are a few of my favorite blurbs from these last few months. I won't type everything out now, because there's quite a bit.

"In the end, everything hurts. Everything ends."

"You swear it's the gift of life, but you never really gave me anything useful."

"You were just a filler in my life."

"It all starts to well up until dams break and cities flood, and everything needs to be rebuilt, but is never truly at its original state. Memories linger and history in written in stone, never forgotten."

"We may have been an empire once, but now I believe we're simply lost in the ruins, the original interpretation of our struggles completely forgotten."

"Turn on the lamp, erase some shadows, and that's a smile, not a scowl."

"There's chaos and destruction inside of absolutely everything."

"And eventually, the sun sets on all four corners of the world, and we're eventually alone."

Life, you are a crazy one.

 You know what? Life has been a giant, confusing mess of awesome lately. I don't really know what to say. I love driving even though it is the Mammoth, I love school even though I get fed up with it sometimes, I love my friends even though they're some giant douche bags from time to time (totally kidding, guys...except for Crawl. He's a douche knuckle).

This summer seemed to go by too slow until I looked at the date and realized it was over - that sucks a little bit. I met some amazing friends, and I'm thankful for all of the experiences I had. I'll never forget this last summer, guys, and I'll never forget the amount of courage I was able to muster to make it so great. Those of you who matter know what I mean by insult to those who don't.

In the long run, I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm doing with myself, but hot damn, I'm enjoying the ride. And I know, a lot of you don't like uncertainty, but I'm truly loving it. I love making my decisions as they're set in front of me, because lord knows I'm bad at planning. Nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to, never turns out the way you're hoping, and it's so much better to decide right then and there that you're going to do something that makes you happy than to expect something from life and be disappointed. That's how I feel, anyway. Not that I leave the super important shit to chance, because that's just retarded. I mean, well...hopefully you know what I mean.

I've done a lot of writing lately, but none of that exists here because I'm still without my own computer. I believe I mentioned what happened...if not, I will at some point. As soon as the money comes around, I'll be shoving a new screen in that bitch and showing up here more regularly again. Promise, I think. I'll eventually add in the writing I've done over summer, too, more because I always lose my written work after time, and I just don't want to do that.

I'm a confused person right now. On the one hand, I broke up with the boyfriend that I had for two years over the summer, and I really was looking to be single for a while, to enjoy my time alone and get over the bullshit of always having to rely on someone. On the other, I've been talking to a guy that...well, I've known him for a while, but we just became close. It's really a long story and I don't know how to get into it, but his roommate had a talk with me the other day about him, was a nice talk. I just don't know what to do about it. He's a good guy and as far as I've seen, he knows how to treat me right. I've got friends to support me, because I hate being the only set of eyes when it comes to these things, especially with my track record. I'm not looking to jump into it and have been biding my time as well as I can, but again...I have a history of judging incorrectly and jumping before I've judged properly. We'll see how this goes. So far, single life ftw.

I'd like to think that I'm intelligent, that I'm capable of making decent decisions, of thinking the right thoughts, of taking care of myself, but it's just hard to believe with people always breathing down your neck, you know? Always telling you that you're wrong, that you aren't actually happy, only looking for comfort. I honestly don't believe that, but arguing isn't worth the time and I'm tired of fighting what people believe with what I know. Sure, sometimes I make the wrong decisions, I've honestly already stated that, but there's not one person who can argue that they haven't. We're human, it's a messy thing to be. Sometimes we're incorrect, sometimes we end up with scrapes and bruises, but we always end up with knowledge. And you know, I've healed after every ounce of hurt I've been given, physical or mental, and I'll continue to do so. It hasn't made me want to stop trying and testing, taking chances, and I'll only give up when that day comes, when I've been defeated to the point that I just can't go on any longer. But I'm stronger than that, and I'm not going to let the world trump me this early on just because of a few negative experiences. Having one bad person in my life doesn't make all of them bad, and while I may fall into a lot of repetitive motions, I find some sort of happiness in my experiences. Even when they don't last, there's something fulfilling there or else I wouldn't have bothered in the first place. I always ease out when it stops being healthy, and for that, I'm happy with myself.

In the end, I love my life, and no one else has any say in what makes me happy. I'm sorry to say it.


My life (this week).

My life has been a crazy mess lately, yet I couldn't be more happy. It's hella weird.

After a huge fight with my mom, she gave away the car she promised me to a relative that she can't even stand. I don't plan to talk to her again, and I really should feel worse about that, but I just can't. After so many bullshit disappointments, I don't feel close to her anymore. I feel like she's someone who causes me more pain than it's worth and I don't want that in my life.

After a huge fight with my dad, I didn't come home for a week and a half. I'm here tonight and I have to learn to start driving his mini-van to get my sisters and I back and forth to school once that starts. I'm not excited, because that thing scares the crap out of me. Way too much power for something so top-heavy.

After a huge fight with my boyfriend, we're broken up. I wasn't sure what I was going to do there, mostly because throwing away two years sounded like the most painful thing in the world. And while I'll probably always love him, when I really thought about it, I didn't love him like he deserved. We've been much less close than we used to be and we were spending so much time apart that it was like we weren't dating anyway. Not to mention the fighting, which was honestly the last straw in our relationship.

I also got in a fight with one of my best friends, mostly because I feel I can't trust her anymore. I told her something in complete confidence and she told my cousin. It wouldn't have been a problem if my cousin hadn't come and told my dad the next day. It was bull and I'm still a little upset, mostly because this friend knows for a fact that my cousin can't keep a story to himself. He also blows everything out of proportion and it becomes something like the game telephone, where the story is nothing like it was originally. I don't trust him with my secrets.

I got in a fight with a old riend that I haven't seen in a while as well, but he was too drunk to remember it. I've been in a lot of fights.

I've made quite a few new friends, already lost a few of them, but I'm happy to know the ones who are worth my time. I'm happy to have realized which ones weren't so quickly, as well.

I started talking to a boy that I used to know a few years back right after I broke up with my boyfriend. I wasn't intending for it to go anywhere, but when he asked me to see him when he still had a girlfriend, I decided not even to continue talking as friends.

I've talked to two different boys this week, one just fooling around and one that used to be a really good friend. The second is still talking to me, and I'm really happy to have him back in my life. I love two of his roommates and have gained a few new faces out of the deal, even if I can't stand the third roommate, who (I'm pretty certain) hates my guts. I think because she shares a room with him and is hoping for a hook-up, but whatever.

My life is extremely random lately and I'm pretty in love.


I don't know what to title this.

Been out for a near-constant two weeks, and I have to face the fact that my high is over. I'm back in a depressive slump and I have no idea how it will last, nor how bad I will feel.

Wisecracks that I should be used to do nothing but cut me down, opposed to making me laugh. I know they're joking, and I have no problem with making fun of myself. Usually. Now I just cry. No more of this friend's house for at least a few weeks.

Sorry for whining. I just need to get out what I feel while I have access to a computer.

My mom and I got into a huge fight, because I called her out on the fact that she was never there for us. My dad wants me to either pay him rent or get out. My boyfriend and I got into our own huge fight, and he broke my laptop screen, which will cost me over one hundred bucks to fix. Everyone wants me to break up with my boyfriend.

Have to go babysit today. I think I forgot something else that I wanted to write here.

I don't know what I want. I don't know anything right now.


The ups and downs.

 I have so many ups and downs that either one is absolutely normal these days.

I'm currently going through an 'up.' I consider it one if just sitting around my house is a good day, because there are times that I can't stand this. Today I woke up, played video games, had dinner with my family, and other than that, did absolutely nothing. Fireworks keep going off somewhere in my neighborhood and they're driving me crazy. I guess that's my only complaint.

I know I haven't been posting much lately. Depending on how you want to categorize this, I don't think I'm leaning toward total disappearance. My reasoning this time around is that I've been out with friends an awful lot, and I've been having the time of my life. The summer after I graduated was the one that I've always considered the best, but this one is already competing for the title. I feel great, I'm spending time with fun people, and I've already experienced some absolutely amazing things.

There are some terrible things that have gone on, of course. My boyfriend's best friend just lost a sister to skin cancer, and I feel so sorry for him. On top of that, four people I know are currently in prison: two for illegal fireworks (lay off, California, everyone does it), my (step) brother for drugs, and someone I knew in high school for child pornography - I never saw that coming, and I have a disgusted feeling in my stomach every time I think about him. Goes to show that you don't really know anyone's dirty secrets.

Hope you're all doing well.

Writer's Block: Love or be loved?

Do you think a romantic relationship can ever be equal or will one partner always love and/or compromise more than the other? Given the choice, would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved more?

All relationships are, at best, 60/40. And as much as I regret it, I'm the one who loves less and is loved more. I can't seem to change that, even if I want to, because it just feels so wrong to pretend.


I love life!

Last night I faced my biggest fear.

I climbed with three friends to the top of Moro Rock, which is 7,000 feet above sea level and a few hours' drive away from home, at midnight. After looking it up, I now know that the climb consists of 400 stairs and (my own knowledge here) a whole lot of scary. The were points where, even if your eyes were acclimated to the dark, you could see nothing but trees and darkness and a long fall into deep, blind nothingness.

It was the most beautiful, invigorating, terrifyingly amazing thing I've ever done in my entire life.

Being the middle of the night, there was no one there but us. We saw signs warning us of bears and lightning strikes and so many freaky things. And about halfway up the trail, there's this spot where you can stop for a minute and take a breather on a small bench, and you look out onto hundreds, maybe thousands of city lights. They say that if you go up there on a clear day you can see the ocean behind them, and that we were apparently looking onto our own town as well as LA, Santa Cruz, Three Rivers...a ton of places which, if you know California, are pretty damn widespread. It was the most amazing thing.

And of course, going past this point was where I really started to freak out. Did I mention yet that my greatest fear is that of heights? Yeah. I can't even walk on the second story of a house if I can see through the railing. Seriously. And not only could I see through the railing into a pit of death, but half the time the rocks that are supposed to work as railing were only about waist high. Oh my god, I thought I was going to die.

When we finally got to the top (it took a lot of coaxing, let me tell you) I sat down and hyperventilated for a while. And then my friends went on a little further to do much scarier things (as in walk on top a cliff with measly railing on each side, which they decided to climb over) and I sat there, calmed down, appreciated the smell of the forest and the sounds of the birds, the river, of peace. It was beautiful.

We were in the middle of nothing, wild animals lurking everywhere beneath us, and it was the most freeing thing in the world. In my few minutes of being alone, I contemplated dying, of falling or jumping off of that mountain.

And then I decided that, why would I have been so damn panicked walking that trail if I actually wanted to die? And what would that give me? I wouldn't have the chance to live moments like this one ever again; I wouldn't have friends to stand by me while I faced my greatest fears - which is almost paralyzing in the moment, but later is the greatest feeling in the world. I wouldn't have any chance to feel anything as wonderful ever again.

So I'm alive today. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to be.

And I'm still alive!

New friends, the river, a midnight hike 7,000 feet in the air and spending the night with awesome people.

Best 24 hours of my life!


Everything's alright. 


Posting too close together again.

 I think I'm depressed.

I've been feeling so sad lately and I have no idea why. And I want everything to change and I want to end things that I'm (usually) happy with. I'm afraid to do so many things that normal people shouldn't be afraid of - even going into a store alone. I hate everything about everything and I can't stop thinking about my dead best friend. My friends and I hang out for a nice night together and I just want to talk and think about downer bullshit.

Never mind, I think I'm just pathetic.

I hate girls.

Every single little time you've ever made plans with me, something just happens to go wrong. And I actually got excited again! I actually told my boyfriend to make plans for that day because I would be out having some actual fun.

You couldn't even wait a day before canceling.


Father's Day.

Great day. We all bought my dad tons of candy, Troy and I bought dinner, and Alee gave him a balloon animal kit. He spent forever trying to perfect the elephant, it was so funny! Then we played video games, watched a couple of movies, and just relaxed together all day. It was pretty awesome.

I love my dad so much. He's the one who's been there through everything, even after my mom decided to just bail on us. Even now that she actually converses with us, it's really only when it's convenient for her. She's got her own family up there and we're just here when she happens to be in town or when my grandma wants to see us - she hates to disappoint her mom. It's kind of disgusting, but I guess I'm so used to it now that I'm hardly even phased, depending on how low she's sunken. Whatever, though. We do just fine without her.

I love you, dad, and I hope you had an amazing day.


Something's bothering me and I have no idea what it is.

Decided to spend more time with more friends and that's my only explanation for my most recent absence. Realistically, I'm probably taking another turn toward disappearance, but I'm really hoping not.

I have such terrible insomnia.


Hard-to-follow post with too many parentheses.

 Hey, y'all.

I know it's technically 'tomorrow' already, but I just wanted to get something on here since I haven't in two (three?) nights. I've ended up having a very eventful week. Monday night I went to sleep uncharacteristically early, which explains why my posts didn't bleed over into the 15th, and then I woke up and went to the junk yard with my boyfriend. Our car decided to turn to crap again for no apparent reason, but it gave me the opportunity to take some random photos (I haven't in a while) which in turn gave Troy some company while he battled with some pretty beat-up cars.

Anyway, I went and spent the night with a couple of old friends that night, one of which is back in town for a few days from Kansas (where she moved two years ago). I really missed her, so it was pretty amazing. She and I went and visited some other friends that same night, ended up meeting some pretty bad-ass people.

Then we woke up this morning (it's still the 16th to me, alright?) and headed back over to a friend's house from the night before. I went over to fix another friend's computer (is this getting hard to follow?) and then we met back up with the friend who she's staying with (and her roommates) and headed out to Three Rivers, where I got some even more amazing photographic opportunities. Time of my life, I'm telling you.

So now I have more photos to upload than I've had in months, maybe even collectively. And I'm so excited, because I've been dying to get out of town for a long time now, not to mention my itching to get some more good photos. Best week in such a long time. :)


Writer's Block: It’s the Little Things…

Do you keep track of how much money you spend on non-essential luxuries, like gourmet coffee and snacks? Are there certain little indulgences you cannot live without no matter how tight your budget?

I always keep track of how much I spend. I don't do it often enough that it's a major issue, but I'm always calculating in my head that, "if I spend (x), I'll have (y) left," you know? And I'm usually pretty good about keeping my hands off of things that aren't absolutely essential, though food when I'm out with friends is definitely something that I splurge on a little too often. Not that it's an outrageous amount of money, but I'm just a broke college kid.

I also overestimate my spending when it does occur so that I can look at my bank account and be like, "Holy shit, y'all! I have so much more than I thought I did!" And then it makes my whole day. Best habit ever.

Also, please ignore this. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Wait, yes I do, I'm totally drugged.

Sleep aid, guys. Calm down.

Today, today.

Today went pretty well. I went to sleep at 4am and then woke up at about 7:30am, stayed up until 11:30-ish and then took a 1-2 hour nap. Anyway, I made plans with a friend that I hang out with on a pretty steady basis and got stood up (mostly my fault, I slept through her getting off work) but I ended up hanging out with two other friends, one of which is currently living in Kansas and decided to pay California a visit. I had a lot of fun, even if we did just sit in front of the mall and talk.

Anyway, I don't have a lot to say, but I don't want to get behind in posting because I really enjoy it. And I might not be making a lot of sense right now (might even end up deleting this later if it's too horrible), but I enjoy posting too much to skip it tonight. I took a sleeping pill a while ago and it's hitting me pretty hard right now. I almost feel drunk.

Shit. Seriously, you should probably just ignore this post altogether. It honestly just took me three time of backspacing and redoing to spell "probably" right. I'm going to bed now.



Traffic on Mooney comes in constant gusts, there's a party going on somewhere in my neighborhood, and the dogs and birds around my house shout in a steady rhythm. I can actually hear my neighbor's TV.

Does a city ever sleep?

Writer's Block: Forgive and forget?

Has someone you loved and respected ever done something you consider despicable? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you try to forgive them? Did it permanently change your feelings for them?

Absolutely. I'm sure it's happened numerous times, different situations, a million things, but there are two that really stick out to me: my brother's addictions and my best friend's suicide. And I do forgive them; these things probably didn't even register to me as counts against them as people, but they are things that I'll never forget, that have changed numerous lives forever. We'll all heal, grow, move past these moments and leave them behind as memories, but they were (may always be) huge things to me, things that have changed who these people are (or at least the memory of who they were) forever.
Today I've done nothing but lie in bed, tell off a friend, and go to Joann's. I decided out of nowhere to try and teach myself to knit and crochet, and it's much more complicated than I expected. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually, but I definitely need to set myself up a comfortable space to get started. I can't seem to concentrate very long while leaning over it on my bed; when my back hurts, I just don't give a crap.

For the time being, Troy's off with friends and I'm alone. I mean, not completely; my family's here and I could go out with friends, but I don't really want to. I don't get time alone very often. Not that I don't love Troy to death, but it's nice for now.

I'd like to start a new book but I just can't seem to concentrate on any one thing. I have no idea what to do. Probably just surf the internet, try to entertain myself, finally pick up a book and read the first two pages before deciding that I don't want it after all. That sounds about right.


Someone to talk to, I guess.

I totally want a pen pal. The snail mail type would be amazing, but I'm also a broke college student living with my dad, so maybe having to buy stamps every few weeks wouldn't be the best idea. I know they're not ridiculously expensive (sort of), but that's just how broke I am.

Anyway, I don't know, I've just always wanted one. And while I have friends from other states who I've talked to, it never lasts. That and they're netspeakers, meaning I can hardly understand what they're saying. I want someone literate, someone who I can talk to, someone who's willing to rant and vent along with me, to share the things they love in life, anything. Someone who I don't see on a daily basis. Someone who I can have some sort of strange connection with without it being one of these shallow ones I'm involved with in this stupid town.

Is that a weird request?

I've just been noticing so damn often lately that every person around here that I come in contact with (even willingly) is so much less than I expected. Maybe it's my fault for expecting, but I just can't help it. I don't know what happened. I guess I just heightened my expectations of life in general without even realizing it, and now the people around me just don't add up. Maybe I'm doomed to be either alone or unhappy...both? Anyway, this is really personal. I'm sure no one would ever want to write me after reading this. I promise I'm not angsty?


I don't know the exact time of your death. In my mind, it was no earlier than the phone call, but then I run back through and it was during my favorite TV show; it was while I was talking about calling you and deciding to put if off for later; it was while I was walking down the street, perfectly content, and you were you absolutely alone.

It's happened so many different times in so many different ways that I sometimes wonder if it's even real. But then your name isn't on my caller ID and your face is nowhere in this sea of people, and I know it is.

I wholeheartedly agree.

A friend of mine runs a blog these days, and today's post was one that I absolutely love. I don't care whether or not you're religious, this is something that is a huge issue in today's society ("this" being Christian views on homosexuality, fyi), and because everything she mentioned is something that I absolutely would have said myself had I thought to do it first, I want to share it with anyone willing to read. Click if you're interested. 

Why I am Non-Religious for the Moment « Confessions of an ADHDaholic

Also, if you disagree with what she said, don't flame me or her. I love her views, and I accept most opinions even when I don't agree with them. If you can't give the world that same courtesy, nay, if you're that close-minded, you're not someone I'm interested in conversing with anyway.


Seriously, y'all.

That's not how you spell definitely. Do you know what spell check thinks of your 'definately'? It thinks you're trying to spell defiantly. And while you're defiantly spelling definitely 'definately', spell check is not amused.

Writer's Block: Daydream believer

If you could choose to control your dreams, would you? If so, what would you dream about?

I think that, sometimes, you sort of can. You can at least get some sort of handle on the subject of the dream, even if you can't control every little thing that happens. And I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes I'll make a decision in a dream and I wake up actually remembering making the decision - as in, the thinking process behind it, why I decided what I did, everything, as if it actually happened. Maybe I'm just a freak and maybe this is just a normal part of the dreaming process, but to me, it feels different.

Anyway, if I could control every aspect of a dream, I would do it - sometimes. I wouldn't want to control every little thing every single night, because sometimes I'm amazed at what my subconscious mind can come up with, and I really wouldn't want to give that up forever. If I were to choose every time, I'm sure there would be plenty of repetitive, blase old dreams, because I'm just not all that creative.

And with that being said, they would probably be things like my favorite moments throughout my lifetime (because sometimes we just need to relive them, you know?) or things that I wish would happen - my dream job, moments in which I'd like to live with my boyfriend, vacations I'd like to go on, what I imagine my life to be some-odd years in the future.

But they really would be rare occasions, times I needed reassurance, a happy thought. I couldn't do it every night, because then they wouldn't mean as much to me. And maybe I'm just being repetitive at this point, but this is my one valid concern when it comes to this topic; I just need it to resonate.

Human instincts drive human emotions.

For her, the desert is freedom.

It's an excuse for everything. It's an escape from every demon she's come to know, one with room to continue running and with minimal obstacles to slow her down. It offers enough space to hold every ounce of regret inside of her.

It's a new beginning, happiness (she has to uncover), beauty (she has to think about).

She's always been a liar.

Writer's Block: Carpe Diem

How often do you think about, and plan for, the future? Do you think it ever interferes with your ability to live in the moment?

I'm not sure how to answer this.

One the one hand, I'm always planning things: someday I want to either get out of California or move to a part of the state better suited for me; I want to transfer to a university further away from home; I want to find the job that's perfect for me.

On the other, I'm terribly indecisive. What I want changes constantly. If it doesn't change, I begin to think it through realistically and realize that it needs some readjustment. And with this in mind, I'm not sure I can say that I plan for the future, more that I dream about what I want it to be and try to to bring myself as close as possible to these dreams. I try to realize what my options actually are and strive for the best outcome possible.

I suppose I can say, then, that I think about the future often, but that I'm not very good at actually planning it out. And because of my constantly trying to keep my plans as realistic as possible, I live in the moment much more than the future; I dream, but I don't dwell.


Journalism never was my thing, anyway.

I'd make a terrible writer.

Half the time I can't even think of a proper sentence structure decent enough to post here, so who would be stupid enough to pay me for it? I mean, not that my career would be blogging, but any form of writing whatsoever. I'm terrible at coming up with ideas and even more terrible at expanding on them.

Maybe it's the fear of letting anyone read my work, because god, that's crippling. Half the time I think of something that is (to me) so brilliant that I just have to share it with the world. But once it's typed out it either isn't what I heard in my head or it's exactly what I wanted it to be, besides the fact that it's much less than brilliant after all.

Maybe it's just me.


I'm lurkin' your Myspace?

 Ooohing and aaahing in all the right places, even though I totally read the gossip on Myspace already.

I'm such a damn good friend. Or maybe a terrible one. Either way, awesome story.

Time's passing all too slowly.

My room is fairly dim, thanks to decently thick curtains, and between the air conditioner and two fans, I actually have to use a blanket. Not bad for the beginning of summer, those days that hit the high 80's and drive us insane, but that we'll be begging for when the temperatures begin to reach the 100's.

If this were winter, it'd be the complete opposite. We'd be shying away from this and attempting to warm the house. Ideally, it's one temperature all year round - the same one, though the effect is different - one that's warm enough in winter, cold enough in summer.

Funny how that works, isn't it? Temperature means something different depending on the season, on the weather, depending on where you are, what you're doing, the mood you're in. I guess everything does.


Writer's Block: Nature v. nurture

In your opinion, how much of our personality is genetic, and how much is shaped by environmental factors?

I believe it would be an extremely rare case, if not impossible, to meet someone whose environment had absolutely no effect on them at all throughout their lifetime.

I believe that a person becomes who they are based on every situation they've ever been placed in. We're always learning, always changing; you may be one person from birth and slowly change over time and you may have one situation change you drastically.

I'm sure there are things encoded in our brains from birth, but we always have the power to absorb, to disregard, or to overcome. When raised, we're taught basic morals (or lack thereof) and we choose to either stow them or throw them away.

And if my rambling has made any sense at all, I believe my point was that most of a person's personality is based on their environment (nurture - or lack thereof?) and that a small portion may come from heredity.

Yeah, I'm a little low on sleep. Give me a break.

Writer's Block: My Dream Job

What's your dream job? Are you qualified for it? If not, would that stop you from taking it if it were offered to you?

WARNING: This is entirely too long to be a Writer's Block. Read at your own risk.

I'm not sure I'll ever really know. I never took the time to daydream about what I wanted to do - not much, at least - and now I'm still uncertain. I don't know why. I mean, I've entertained ideas: I've wanted to be a psychologist, a nurse, a teacher, a writer.

Writing's the thing that I've given my attention to longest in my life. English has been my greatest subject in school as long as I can remember, and this next semester I'll be tutoring for it at my college (the "Writing Center"). If I could do anything, I'd want to be in a field associated with it, and as of now I'm considering either teaching or, even more greatly, something with editing, something like a publisher's office or a magazine company, or god, I don't know.

I realize that's not really being a writer, but it's something that I'm (currently) passionate about. And I'll probably change my mind fifty-two zillion times before I actually find my career, but that's okay. As long as I'm happy; as long as I enjoy what I do to the greatest extent possible. That'll be my greatest accomplishment.


I know this is a very wishy-washy answer. And to answer further, as it stands, I'm not really qualified for anything. After college I'll have my degree in English, and I'll be able to immerse myself in anything associated with the subject - anything that will accept me, at least. Even then I may not be completely qualified, but experience will give me what I need.

If I were offered a job that I truly wanted, there's no way I would turn it down. How could you? At that point, you're obviously wanted within the company to some degree, and therefore the only one holding you back would be yourself.

And you know what? If you screw it up - fucking awesome. Take the chance to screw up everything you can in life. It's both entirely bad-ass and a great chance to learn what you can better in yourself. Someday you'll cherish that.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not planning to screw up anything in your company. Please hire me.


I'm a terrible blogger.

You know, this isn't the first blog I've ever started. I love writing and I want to do it; I want to be in a career field associated with writing, to stretch my English major to its full potential (once I'm done with college). But no matter what I do, I run out of things to say.

There's so much going on in life, there always is, but it's all so ordinary. What am I supposed to talk about? What I ate for breakfast? No one cares. And no one wants to listen to me ramble on about a day with friends, because that's completely uninteresting to anyone who wasn't involved. And realistically, that's the basis of my life, of most lives: ordinary things that no one wants to either hear of or talk about, things that are absolutely boring.

So now I'm back to having nothing to say again.


Well tonight I'm absolutely bored and right now Troy's busy playing COD, so I thought I might post something. You know, just because I can. And really, I still have nothing to say, but maybe that's because there's really so much to say.

I don't write much anymore, which I think I said, I can't really remember. Besides for homework. There's been plenty of that lately, and I honestly couldn't be happier that it's finally summer time. I know I shouldn't be taking summers off because I'm in college now, but I don't care. I need my vacation or I go insane.

Also, it doesn't even feel like summer. Seriously, this is California, guys. We're supposedly known for fit blondes and beaches, and plenty of sun. But no, we've been back and forth between rain and intense heat for weeks now. And I, for one, am getting really fed up. I won't complain too much that I'm not dying of heat exhaustion right this second, but I really can't handle the bipolarity of this situation. Is bipolarity a word? I hope so, because it sounds pretty bad-ass.


This is probably going to be a ramble.

The sucky thing about being a writer is that sometimes there just really isn't anything to say. While sometimes that's because there's actually a ton and you just want to avoid it, there's often times that there's sincerely nothing, even though you truly do want to write - about, god, just anything. And in all reality, it's been a while since I've written for me; lately I've been cranking out papers for classes, I've been helping to edit Troy's, and that's really all I've had time for when it comes to the subject. Now here I am, two days before I have absolutely nothing to do but laze around for a few months, and I can't think of an interesting topic to start off on. Dear lord, this is looking like a ramble already.