I have so much to say that I don't know what to say.
I let everything loose today, told him everything that I've wanted to say, and that pissed him off. Immediately afterward, I felt stupid as hell, regretted every little piece of it, and I just don't even understand myself. If it's been bothering me so bad, if it's been on my mind for so long, then why would it ever have been bad to share? I can't repress my feelings, and yet I really wish I would have.
The whole, "I really don't want to lose you, but I have to go for my best friend" - sure, I get it. They're practically brothers. But then it comes out that his best friend doesn't even want to go, is angry about the whole situation, and he's the one looking to run? It's tiring, always having to second-guess everything. And before the moving thing even came up, we were good, nice and happy, but afterward he begins to disappear on me...sure, he texts me, but all of a sudden he can't see me. Too busy. Maybe it's one of those fade-out things, something to make the inevitable complete loss of him a little less painful, but it's really not doing anything but making it worse. Because then he's still talking to me, still showing up every few days, still leaving some stupid hope there. Not being able to see him makes the times that I do a little better, even if it does frustrate me to no end when he's not there...that might seem weird, but it's true. Whatever.
Seriously, though, his best friend had the audacity to ask me if I was moving with them. And I'm sorry, but I can't just up and run from my life just because some boy asks me to. Granted, he didn't even ask, just his friend. So I tell his friend that I have a family, school, a life, and that I just can't give all of that up, and he tells me I'm being a baby. Boy never brings any of this up to me after I tell his friend what I've said here, and when I bring it up to him, he gets angry with me. Exact wording? "Just so you know, it's easier to run from everything when you have nothing to stay here for. Not everyone has a dad to live with or his van to drive around."
This, for some reason, really hurts me. It's not my fault that my father has taken care of me and he hardly sees his family, and I know he was looking for something to hurt me with because he was hurt himself, but fuck. The only reason I drive my dad's car is because he needed me to be able to get my sisters to and from school for him, otherwise the guys never would have allowed me to get my license unless I was the one paying for it. And honestly, I drive this boy to and from work quite a bit and I'm not even supposed to. That's my gas, that's me risking getting into trouble with my father FOR HIM. So maybe he could try NOT throwing shit in my face when I go out of my way for him so often, just maybe? I know he hurts, but maybe he needs to take a step back and be a little more appreciative of the things that are in his life, rather than the things that aren't. Like the fact that, even though he's been out of his home since thirteen, he's had friends to keep him on his feet, that he's not homeless? That he has a job and a place to live and people who care for him?
I honestly do wish things had gone better for him in his life, and I really with I could help him now, but the fact that he wants to run from his problems truly does bother me. I know things have been a little better off for me throughout my lifetime and I know that things could be so much better for him, but fuck, he relies so much on the negatives. Am I wrong to be frustrated by that?