More stuff goes here:


This is who I am; this is what I hate.

I am such an unsure and easily depressed person that the slightest waver in the way a person interacts with me (meaning, for example, that I feel like they're trying to hide something from me as compared to their normal interface) is capable of ruining my whole day. I mean, I know that sounds pretty bad, and it's not that it happens often, but it's totally possible and has in fact happened before. The smallest things are capable of making me feel like shit for days and I know how absolutely broken that makes me sound, but the knowledge that I'm overreacting or whatever it is that I'm doing, being cognizant of that, it just doesn't change the outcome.

I just...I don't know how I feel right now. Earlier, something happened that made me feel strange but that any normal person probably wouldn't have wasted energy thinking about. And then in the middle of it all, I was granted the chance to hang out with my best friend, and was happy enough that the incident hardly mattered. At the end, though, a similar situation came along to just sandwich my insecurity in nice and tight, but my happiness was still lingering and I therefore didn't give it much thought - that is, not until I was alone in my room. This was the time of day during which I had nothing to focus on but the situation, one that, like I said, would never have mattered to someone who wasn't dissecting it repeatedly, almost helplessly, making more of it than (I'm sure) it was ever realistically close to being.

I hate my mind sometimes.

I don't know why I have to focus on the negative things. There was so much good mixed into today, why can't I just throw out the extremely small amount of bad and let it rest? Why can't I relive the positive until I fall asleep to it, and let my mind wander with thoughts of the generous amount of happiness I found in today rather than the slight discomfort it brought me?

I don't know the answer to that either. If I realize what's wrong, shouldn't it be so easy to fix? I hope you didn't say yes to that, because while I really do want to be on your side, optimists, we all know that it's not that simple.

I'll fix me, though. Eventually. And even if I don't, I'll learn to live with myself, and eventually I can love myself, as well.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Any response to this post? What are you thinking in general? What did you do on Saturday? Just comment already!