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Somewhat empty (or trying to be).

I honest to god cannot decide how I feel tonight; no one, including myself, will ever understand this. Whatever it is, I'm not as sad as I should be, yet not as happy as I should be if it weren't affecting me at all. Does that make sense? No? Not to me, either. I hate this feeling.

I don't know how I'm getting to school tomorrow. I mean, I can walk, but it's been so unbareably cold lately that I'm not looking forward to it. I know for a fact that I'll have to walk home, though, because even with finding a ride to school, everyone will be at work or school themselves by the time I get out. I'm also not looking forward to spending so much time alone during free periods...I'm not looking forward to doing a hell of a lot alone, I'll tell you that. I need people with me to feel comfortable, and I hate myself incredibly for being so damned crippled, relying on people like I do.

In the end, I don't know what I want and I don't know how I feel. I just tried to do my homework and my heart's not in it. I know, I know, whose heart is ever in homework? But it's not that. Usually, I can at least get it done, we do it together and anything one of us doesn't understand the other either knows or helps to figure out. Tonight I don't feel right about it. I want to look over and make sure he's getting it, but he's not here. Then I want to call and make sure he's going to do it at all so that I'm not getting a grade that he isn't. That's the way our relationships always been, and it's going to be a hell of a chore getting myself out of this mindset.

It's not fair that the human mind does this to us, is it? We get into routines and while circumstances can change in an istant, our brains hold on to the memories and the knee-jerk reactions to those we've loved, emotions remain where we're trying to shed them, and we're left to hurt and sting because our minds are huge douchebags. I don't know about anyone else, but when I've gone through something unusually painful or traumatic, I certainly don't want to keep reliving it through reverie because my brain's gone off on holiday. No, not fair at all.

I'm so fucking sorry.

Some say they're too different but truthfully, with us it's just that we're still the same. Nothing's changed, and everything will continue to be the same for the rest of eternity, boring us into a blasé old age that we're too feeble to escape.

I don't know the future, but I am almost sure that I don't want it and absolutely certain that I won't be able to handle it. I am too uncertain, and that is exactly what's gotten us here, this place that neither of us are truly happy but we both want to pretend we are.

I'm sure it's because we're afraid. We may be afraid of being alone, but mostly it's of losing the love that we had in the beginning (why didn't we realize it was already gone?). We're stewing in our unhappiness because we don't want to admit to ourselves or anyone else that we were wrong, but it's probably time to swallow our pride and just move on now, don't you agree? We'll get over it eventually, and we can find happiness elsewhere (I know there was happiness here once, but I've become too entirely depressed and tired to look for it again).

It's much easier just to go. I know that they swear by never taking the easy way out, but I've always gone against that. You know this, because it's something that you hate about me. You can watch it happen just once more and then move on, find someone else to take the rocky path with you to what I hope is a stable and beautiful future. I'm sorry that it can't be with me. I'm truly, deeply sorry, and I won't lie and say that this doesn't hurt me more than I can remember hurting since Allen died, but I also can't lie to you anymore.

I do love you. Don't ever be so blind as to believe that I don't love you, because I always will, and that is not anything close to a lie. I just can't do this anymore. I can't hold you here, because it's not fair. It's not fair to me, because I'm sacrificing my happiness to try and make yours, and failing still. It's not fair to you, because you're looking to me to make you happy and I'm no good at it. It's not fair to you because you're looking for solace in me and I can't offer you that. Because you're looking for something for the rest of your life and I have more doubts than I've ever been able to tell you, for fear of hurting you.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, and I've been tiptoeing around this relationship because of that. And my god, it's just not fair.


It's a damn cruel world.

Today, Tidwell assured us that throughout our college careers, we will be changing drastically, understanding the world more and more each day to the point that we will ultimately and inevitably become different people. Comforting, isn't it?

Not only that, but he further went on to point out that, without a doubt, our relationships will begin to form and perhaps even deteriorate along with these things inside of us, and there's nothing that is going to stop any of this.

A sentence he shared went along the lines of "As you begin to step out of your comfort zones, DO NOT expect your friends and family to come along with you!" and isn't that so true? Boyfriends will leave because sentences have grown longer but kisses haven't, parents will scowl because their child is learning more of the world today than they're caught up with, and said child will be left in the dark because they enlightened themselves.

Going away to college is such a turning point in life, one of the first molding blocks of the human resolve, something that ultimately strengthens us more than we ever asked to be. It's the first moment that we realize that we can actually, TRULY grasp what's going on in the world around us and that we really don't want to know.

It's a damn cruel world.


Good day and good night.

Life's been a big mess lately, which I'm sure any of you can confirm - because when is it not? This time, however, it's not so much a bad mess as a wonderful, dizzying one, and that's just fine with me. Sure, there are downs to any up, but I can't say that I'm unhappy, at least not when it comes to the big picture. I've got a best friend again (you have no idea how wonderful it feels to say that) and I'm getting out of the house more. Being a hermit wasn't exactly my greatest achievement, so I'm extremely happy to find this happening. It also means that Troy's getting some alone time with his own friends, which is absolutely wonderful. Sometimes couples need time apart to thrive, and equally so, no one can properly survive without friends - I honestly don't care how in love they are with their partner, it's not going to happen. Therefore, our lives are currently taking a turn for the better, at least in my opinion.

I am also glad to say that I have seen another wonderful addition into my life - my best friend's baby daughter. She's the cutest thing I have ever seen, and the pair of them absolutely brighten my day. I spent the night with them last night - both my first time spending the night with my friend in a number of years, and my first time spending a night away from my own house in at least six months. It was nice to be away and to have Troy out of the house without feeling guilty, which he always seems to do. Life's definitely looking up.

I'm sorry that I've been disappearing more and more frequently and then going on about what a problem it is - but I am not going to be shy in saying that it will, absolutely with 0% of a doubt, continue to happen, until I may eventually just seem to disappear completely. This sucks, but I know myself and I therefore cannot trust myself to promise that I won't let it happen. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am, but I will always come back...eventually. I hope you're all doing well, and I hope that you continue to do well for as long as it takes me to come back and repeat this.