You know what? Life has been a giant, confusing mess of awesome lately. I don't really know what to say. I love driving even though it is the Mammoth, I love school even though I get fed up with it sometimes, I love my friends even though they're some giant douche bags from time to time (totally kidding, guys...except for Crawl. He's a douche knuckle).
This summer seemed to go by too slow until I looked at the date and realized it was over - that sucks a little bit. I met some amazing friends, and I'm thankful for all of the experiences I had. I'll never forget this last summer, guys, and I'll never forget the amount of courage I was able to muster to make it so great. Those of you who matter know what I mean by this...no insult to those who don't.
In the long run, I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm doing with myself, but hot damn, I'm enjoying the ride. And I know, a lot of you don't like uncertainty, but I'm truly loving it. I love making my decisions as they're set in front of me, because lord knows I'm bad at planning. Nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to, never turns out the way you're hoping, and it's so much better to decide right then and there that you're going to do something that makes you happy than to expect something from life and be disappointed. That's how I feel, anyway. Not that I leave the super important shit to chance, because that's just retarded. I mean, well...hopefully you know what I mean.
I've done a lot of writing lately, but none of that exists here because I'm still without my own computer. I believe I mentioned what happened...if not, I will at some point. As soon as the money comes around, I'll be shoving a new screen in that bitch and showing up here more regularly again. Promise, I think. I'll eventually add in the writing I've done over summer, too, more because I always lose my written work after time, and I just don't want to do that.
I'm a confused person right now. On the one hand, I broke up with the boyfriend that I had for two years over the summer, and I really was looking to be single for a while, to enjoy my time alone and get over the bullshit of always having to rely on someone. On the other, I've been talking to a guy that...well, I've known him for a while, but we just became close. It's really a long story and I don't know how to get into it, but his roommate had a talk with me the other day about him, and...it was a nice talk. I just don't know what to do about it. He's a good guy and as far as I've seen, he knows how to treat me right. I've got friends to support me, because I hate being the only set of eyes when it comes to these things, especially with my track record. I'm not looking to jump into it and have been biding my time as well as I can, but again...I have a history of judging incorrectly and jumping before I've judged properly. We'll see how this goes. So far, single life ftw.
I'd like to think that I'm intelligent, that I'm capable of making decent decisions, of thinking the right thoughts, of taking care of myself, but it's just hard to believe with people always breathing down your neck, you know? Always telling you that you're wrong, that you aren't actually happy, only looking for comfort. I honestly don't believe that, but arguing isn't worth the time and I'm tired of fighting what people believe with what I know. Sure, sometimes I make the wrong decisions, I've honestly already stated that, but there's not one person who can argue that they haven't. We're human, it's a messy thing to be. Sometimes we're incorrect, sometimes we end up with scrapes and bruises, but we always end up with knowledge. And you know, I've healed after every ounce of hurt I've been given, physical or mental, and I'll continue to do so. It hasn't made me want to stop trying and testing, taking chances, and I'll only give up when that day comes, when I've been defeated to the point that I just can't go on any longer. But I'm stronger than that, and I'm not going to let the world trump me this early on just because of a few negative experiences. Having one bad person in my life doesn't make all of them bad, and while I may fall into a lot of repetitive motions, I find some sort of happiness in my experiences. Even when they don't last, there's something fulfilling there or else I wouldn't have bothered in the first place. I always ease out when it stops being healthy, and for that, I'm happy with myself.
In the end, I love my life, and no one else has any say in what makes me happy. I'm sorry to say it.