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I love life!

Last night I faced my biggest fear.

I climbed with three friends to the top of Moro Rock, which is 7,000 feet above sea level and a few hours' drive away from home, at midnight. After looking it up, I now know that the climb consists of 400 stairs and (my own knowledge here) a whole lot of scary. The were points where, even if your eyes were acclimated to the dark, you could see nothing but trees and darkness and a long fall into deep, blind nothingness.

It was the most beautiful, invigorating, terrifyingly amazing thing I've ever done in my entire life.

Being the middle of the night, there was no one there but us. We saw signs warning us of bears and lightning strikes and so many freaky things. And about halfway up the trail, there's this spot where you can stop for a minute and take a breather on a small bench, and you look out onto hundreds, maybe thousands of city lights. They say that if you go up there on a clear day you can see the ocean behind them, and that we were apparently looking onto our own town as well as LA, Santa Cruz, Three Rivers...a ton of places which, if you know California, are pretty damn widespread. It was the most amazing thing.

And of course, going past this point was where I really started to freak out. Did I mention yet that my greatest fear is that of heights? Yeah. I can't even walk on the second story of a house if I can see through the railing. Seriously. And not only could I see through the railing into a pit of death, but half the time the rocks that are supposed to work as railing were only about waist high. Oh my god, I thought I was going to die.

When we finally got to the top (it took a lot of coaxing, let me tell you) I sat down and hyperventilated for a while. And then my friends went on a little further to do much scarier things (as in walk on top a cliff with measly railing on each side, which they decided to climb over) and I sat there, calmed down, appreciated the smell of the forest and the sounds of the birds, the river, of peace. It was beautiful.

We were in the middle of nothing, wild animals lurking everywhere beneath us, and it was the most freeing thing in the world. In my few minutes of being alone, I contemplated dying, of falling or jumping off of that mountain.

And then I decided that, why would I have been so damn panicked walking that trail if I actually wanted to die? And what would that give me? I wouldn't have the chance to live moments like this one ever again; I wouldn't have friends to stand by me while I faced my greatest fears - which is almost paralyzing in the moment, but later is the greatest feeling in the world. I wouldn't have any chance to feel anything as wonderful ever again.

So I'm alive today. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to be.

And I'm still alive!

New friends, the river, a midnight hike 7,000 feet in the air and spending the night with awesome people.

Best 24 hours of my life!


Everything's alright. 


Posting too close together again.

 I think I'm depressed.

I've been feeling so sad lately and I have no idea why. And I want everything to change and I want to end things that I'm (usually) happy with. I'm afraid to do so many things that normal people shouldn't be afraid of - even going into a store alone. I hate everything about everything and I can't stop thinking about my dead best friend. My friends and I hang out for a nice night together and I just want to talk and think about downer bullshit.

Never mind, I think I'm just pathetic.

I hate girls.

Every single little time you've ever made plans with me, something just happens to go wrong. And I actually got excited again! I actually told my boyfriend to make plans for that day because I would be out having some actual fun.

You couldn't even wait a day before canceling.


Father's Day.

Great day. We all bought my dad tons of candy, Troy and I bought dinner, and Alee gave him a balloon animal kit. He spent forever trying to perfect the elephant, it was so funny! Then we played video games, watched a couple of movies, and just relaxed together all day. It was pretty awesome.

I love my dad so much. He's the one who's been there through everything, even after my mom decided to just bail on us. Even now that she actually converses with us, it's really only when it's convenient for her. She's got her own family up there and we're just here when she happens to be in town or when my grandma wants to see us - she hates to disappoint her mom. It's kind of disgusting, but I guess I'm so used to it now that I'm hardly even phased, depending on how low she's sunken. Whatever, though. We do just fine without her.

I love you, dad, and I hope you had an amazing day.


Something's bothering me and I have no idea what it is.

Decided to spend more time with more friends and that's my only explanation for my most recent absence. Realistically, I'm probably taking another turn toward disappearance, but I'm really hoping not.

I have such terrible insomnia.


Hard-to-follow post with too many parentheses.

 Hey, y'all.

I know it's technically 'tomorrow' already, but I just wanted to get something on here since I haven't in two (three?) nights. I've ended up having a very eventful week. Monday night I went to sleep uncharacteristically early, which explains why my posts didn't bleed over into the 15th, and then I woke up and went to the junk yard with my boyfriend. Our car decided to turn to crap again for no apparent reason, but it gave me the opportunity to take some random photos (I haven't in a while) which in turn gave Troy some company while he battled with some pretty beat-up cars.

Anyway, I went and spent the night with a couple of old friends that night, one of which is back in town for a few days from Kansas (where she moved two years ago). I really missed her, so it was pretty amazing. She and I went and visited some other friends that same night, ended up meeting some pretty bad-ass people.

Then we woke up this morning (it's still the 16th to me, alright?) and headed back over to a friend's house from the night before. I went over to fix another friend's computer (is this getting hard to follow?) and then we met back up with the friend who she's staying with (and her roommates) and headed out to Three Rivers, where I got some even more amazing photographic opportunities. Time of my life, I'm telling you.

So now I have more photos to upload than I've had in months, maybe even collectively. And I'm so excited, because I've been dying to get out of town for a long time now, not to mention my itching to get some more good photos. Best week in such a long time. :)


Writer's Block: It’s the Little Things…

Do you keep track of how much money you spend on non-essential luxuries, like gourmet coffee and snacks? Are there certain little indulgences you cannot live without no matter how tight your budget?

I always keep track of how much I spend. I don't do it often enough that it's a major issue, but I'm always calculating in my head that, "if I spend (x), I'll have (y) left," you know? And I'm usually pretty good about keeping my hands off of things that aren't absolutely essential, though food when I'm out with friends is definitely something that I splurge on a little too often. Not that it's an outrageous amount of money, but I'm just a broke college kid.

I also overestimate my spending when it does occur so that I can look at my bank account and be like, "Holy shit, y'all! I have so much more than I thought I did!" And then it makes my whole day. Best habit ever.

Also, please ignore this. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Wait, yes I do, I'm totally drugged.

Sleep aid, guys. Calm down.

Today, today.

Today went pretty well. I went to sleep at 4am and then woke up at about 7:30am, stayed up until 11:30-ish and then took a 1-2 hour nap. Anyway, I made plans with a friend that I hang out with on a pretty steady basis and got stood up (mostly my fault, I slept through her getting off work) but I ended up hanging out with two other friends, one of which is currently living in Kansas and decided to pay California a visit. I had a lot of fun, even if we did just sit in front of the mall and talk.

Anyway, I don't have a lot to say, but I don't want to get behind in posting because I really enjoy it. And I might not be making a lot of sense right now (might even end up deleting this later if it's too horrible), but I enjoy posting too much to skip it tonight. I took a sleeping pill a while ago and it's hitting me pretty hard right now. I almost feel drunk.

Shit. Seriously, you should probably just ignore this post altogether. It honestly just took me three time of backspacing and redoing to spell "probably" right. I'm going to bed now.



Traffic on Mooney comes in constant gusts, there's a party going on somewhere in my neighborhood, and the dogs and birds around my house shout in a steady rhythm. I can actually hear my neighbor's TV.

Does a city ever sleep?

Writer's Block: Forgive and forget?

Has someone you loved and respected ever done something you consider despicable? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you try to forgive them? Did it permanently change your feelings for them?

Absolutely. I'm sure it's happened numerous times, different situations, a million things, but there are two that really stick out to me: my brother's addictions and my best friend's suicide. And I do forgive them; these things probably didn't even register to me as counts against them as people, but they are things that I'll never forget, that have changed numerous lives forever. We'll all heal, grow, move past these moments and leave them behind as memories, but they were (may always be) huge things to me, things that have changed who these people are (or at least the memory of who they were) forever.
Today I've done nothing but lie in bed, tell off a friend, and go to Joann's. I decided out of nowhere to try and teach myself to knit and crochet, and it's much more complicated than I expected. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually, but I definitely need to set myself up a comfortable space to get started. I can't seem to concentrate very long while leaning over it on my bed; when my back hurts, I just don't give a crap.

For the time being, Troy's off with friends and I'm alone. I mean, not completely; my family's here and I could go out with friends, but I don't really want to. I don't get time alone very often. Not that I don't love Troy to death, but it's nice for now.

I'd like to start a new book but I just can't seem to concentrate on any one thing. I have no idea what to do. Probably just surf the internet, try to entertain myself, finally pick up a book and read the first two pages before deciding that I don't want it after all. That sounds about right.


Someone to talk to, I guess.

I totally want a pen pal. The snail mail type would be amazing, but I'm also a broke college student living with my dad, so maybe having to buy stamps every few weeks wouldn't be the best idea. I know they're not ridiculously expensive (sort of), but that's just how broke I am.

Anyway, I don't know, I've just always wanted one. And while I have friends from other states who I've talked to, it never lasts. That and they're netspeakers, meaning I can hardly understand what they're saying. I want someone literate, someone who I can talk to, someone who's willing to rant and vent along with me, to share the things they love in life, anything. Someone who I don't see on a daily basis. Someone who I can have some sort of strange connection with without it being one of these shallow ones I'm involved with in this stupid town.

Is that a weird request?

I've just been noticing so damn often lately that every person around here that I come in contact with (even willingly) is so much less than I expected. Maybe it's my fault for expecting, but I just can't help it. I don't know what happened. I guess I just heightened my expectations of life in general without even realizing it, and now the people around me just don't add up. Maybe I'm doomed to be either alone or unhappy...both? Anyway, this is really personal. I'm sure no one would ever want to write me after reading this. I promise I'm not angsty?


I don't know the exact time of your death. In my mind, it was no earlier than the phone call, but then I run back through and it was during my favorite TV show; it was while I was talking about calling you and deciding to put if off for later; it was while I was walking down the street, perfectly content, and you were you absolutely alone.

It's happened so many different times in so many different ways that I sometimes wonder if it's even real. But then your name isn't on my caller ID and your face is nowhere in this sea of people, and I know it is.

I wholeheartedly agree.

A friend of mine runs a blog these days, and today's post was one that I absolutely love. I don't care whether or not you're religious, this is something that is a huge issue in today's society ("this" being Christian views on homosexuality, fyi), and because everything she mentioned is something that I absolutely would have said myself had I thought to do it first, I want to share it with anyone willing to read. Click if you're interested. 

Why I am Non-Religious for the Moment « Confessions of an ADHDaholic

Also, if you disagree with what she said, don't flame me or her. I love her views, and I accept most opinions even when I don't agree with them. If you can't give the world that same courtesy, nay, if you're that close-minded, you're not someone I'm interested in conversing with anyway.


Seriously, y'all.

That's not how you spell definitely. Do you know what spell check thinks of your 'definately'? It thinks you're trying to spell defiantly. And while you're defiantly spelling definitely 'definately', spell check is not amused.

Writer's Block: Daydream believer

If you could choose to control your dreams, would you? If so, what would you dream about?

I think that, sometimes, you sort of can. You can at least get some sort of handle on the subject of the dream, even if you can't control every little thing that happens. And I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes I'll make a decision in a dream and I wake up actually remembering making the decision - as in, the thinking process behind it, why I decided what I did, everything, as if it actually happened. Maybe I'm just a freak and maybe this is just a normal part of the dreaming process, but to me, it feels different.

Anyway, if I could control every aspect of a dream, I would do it - sometimes. I wouldn't want to control every little thing every single night, because sometimes I'm amazed at what my subconscious mind can come up with, and I really wouldn't want to give that up forever. If I were to choose every time, I'm sure there would be plenty of repetitive, blase old dreams, because I'm just not all that creative.

And with that being said, they would probably be things like my favorite moments throughout my lifetime (because sometimes we just need to relive them, you know?) or things that I wish would happen - my dream job, moments in which I'd like to live with my boyfriend, vacations I'd like to go on, what I imagine my life to be some-odd years in the future.

But they really would be rare occasions, times I needed reassurance, a happy thought. I couldn't do it every night, because then they wouldn't mean as much to me. And maybe I'm just being repetitive at this point, but this is my one valid concern when it comes to this topic; I just need it to resonate.

Human instincts drive human emotions.

For her, the desert is freedom.

It's an excuse for everything. It's an escape from every demon she's come to know, one with room to continue running and with minimal obstacles to slow her down. It offers enough space to hold every ounce of regret inside of her.

It's a new beginning, happiness (she has to uncover), beauty (she has to think about).

She's always been a liar.

Writer's Block: Carpe Diem

How often do you think about, and plan for, the future? Do you think it ever interferes with your ability to live in the moment?

I'm not sure how to answer this.

One the one hand, I'm always planning things: someday I want to either get out of California or move to a part of the state better suited for me; I want to transfer to a university further away from home; I want to find the job that's perfect for me.

On the other, I'm terribly indecisive. What I want changes constantly. If it doesn't change, I begin to think it through realistically and realize that it needs some readjustment. And with this in mind, I'm not sure I can say that I plan for the future, more that I dream about what I want it to be and try to to bring myself as close as possible to these dreams. I try to realize what my options actually are and strive for the best outcome possible.

I suppose I can say, then, that I think about the future often, but that I'm not very good at actually planning it out. And because of my constantly trying to keep my plans as realistic as possible, I live in the moment much more than the future; I dream, but I don't dwell.


Journalism never was my thing, anyway.

I'd make a terrible writer.

Half the time I can't even think of a proper sentence structure decent enough to post here, so who would be stupid enough to pay me for it? I mean, not that my career would be blogging, but any form of writing whatsoever. I'm terrible at coming up with ideas and even more terrible at expanding on them.

Maybe it's the fear of letting anyone read my work, because god, that's crippling. Half the time I think of something that is (to me) so brilliant that I just have to share it with the world. But once it's typed out it either isn't what I heard in my head or it's exactly what I wanted it to be, besides the fact that it's much less than brilliant after all.

Maybe it's just me.


I'm lurkin' your Myspace?

 Ooohing and aaahing in all the right places, even though I totally read the gossip on Myspace already.

I'm such a damn good friend. Or maybe a terrible one. Either way, awesome story.

Time's passing all too slowly.

My room is fairly dim, thanks to decently thick curtains, and between the air conditioner and two fans, I actually have to use a blanket. Not bad for the beginning of summer, those days that hit the high 80's and drive us insane, but that we'll be begging for when the temperatures begin to reach the 100's.

If this were winter, it'd be the complete opposite. We'd be shying away from this and attempting to warm the house. Ideally, it's one temperature all year round - the same one, though the effect is different - one that's warm enough in winter, cold enough in summer.

Funny how that works, isn't it? Temperature means something different depending on the season, on the weather, depending on where you are, what you're doing, the mood you're in. I guess everything does.


Writer's Block: Nature v. nurture

In your opinion, how much of our personality is genetic, and how much is shaped by environmental factors?

I believe it would be an extremely rare case, if not impossible, to meet someone whose environment had absolutely no effect on them at all throughout their lifetime.

I believe that a person becomes who they are based on every situation they've ever been placed in. We're always learning, always changing; you may be one person from birth and slowly change over time and you may have one situation change you drastically.

I'm sure there are things encoded in our brains from birth, but we always have the power to absorb, to disregard, or to overcome. When raised, we're taught basic morals (or lack thereof) and we choose to either stow them or throw them away.

And if my rambling has made any sense at all, I believe my point was that most of a person's personality is based on their environment (nurture - or lack thereof?) and that a small portion may come from heredity.

Yeah, I'm a little low on sleep. Give me a break.

Writer's Block: My Dream Job

What's your dream job? Are you qualified for it? If not, would that stop you from taking it if it were offered to you?

WARNING: This is entirely too long to be a Writer's Block. Read at your own risk.

I'm not sure I'll ever really know. I never took the time to daydream about what I wanted to do - not much, at least - and now I'm still uncertain. I don't know why. I mean, I've entertained ideas: I've wanted to be a psychologist, a nurse, a teacher, a writer.

Writing's the thing that I've given my attention to longest in my life. English has been my greatest subject in school as long as I can remember, and this next semester I'll be tutoring for it at my college (the "Writing Center"). If I could do anything, I'd want to be in a field associated with it, and as of now I'm considering either teaching or, even more greatly, something with editing, something like a publisher's office or a magazine company, or god, I don't know.

I realize that's not really being a writer, but it's something that I'm (currently) passionate about. And I'll probably change my mind fifty-two zillion times before I actually find my career, but that's okay. As long as I'm happy; as long as I enjoy what I do to the greatest extent possible. That'll be my greatest accomplishment.


I know this is a very wishy-washy answer. And to answer further, as it stands, I'm not really qualified for anything. After college I'll have my degree in English, and I'll be able to immerse myself in anything associated with the subject - anything that will accept me, at least. Even then I may not be completely qualified, but experience will give me what I need.

If I were offered a job that I truly wanted, there's no way I would turn it down. How could you? At that point, you're obviously wanted within the company to some degree, and therefore the only one holding you back would be yourself.

And you know what? If you screw it up - fucking awesome. Take the chance to screw up everything you can in life. It's both entirely bad-ass and a great chance to learn what you can better in yourself. Someday you'll cherish that.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not planning to screw up anything in your company. Please hire me.


I'm a terrible blogger.

You know, this isn't the first blog I've ever started. I love writing and I want to do it; I want to be in a career field associated with writing, to stretch my English major to its full potential (once I'm done with college). But no matter what I do, I run out of things to say.

There's so much going on in life, there always is, but it's all so ordinary. What am I supposed to talk about? What I ate for breakfast? No one cares. And no one wants to listen to me ramble on about a day with friends, because that's completely uninteresting to anyone who wasn't involved. And realistically, that's the basis of my life, of most lives: ordinary things that no one wants to either hear of or talk about, things that are absolutely boring.

So now I'm back to having nothing to say again.