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Today has been fabulous. My mood's improved tenfold, and a few of my friends and I decided to start a group to exercise about four to five times a week, which I'm actually looking forward to. And yeah, I got to see my best friend today, which is just fucking rad, because he's fantastic at making me feel better. Not that I rely on that one person for happiness - thank you to all of my friends who have been talking to me through this depression. I know I got pretty bad, and I'm forever grateful that no one turned around and said fuck it, she's hopeless. Because I felt pretty hopeless, and the fact that you guys didn't think so makes me feel better about myself altogether, even if we all know this will happen again. And even though I was acting like a pretty huge douche to some of you, because I know I was. That's something, and I fucking love you guys. 


Totally going to head out and hang out with friends. Hookah tonight! :D

Just wanted to say that life is feeling better. I wasn't sure how I was going to wake up this morning, but it's been fucking fantastic so far. I mean, in comparison with the last week or so. You get it.

Have a great day, guys. :)



Seriously? Fucker. Stupid piece of shit fucker. You don't just puspeople. You don't. I don't know how you can sit there and go on and on about how you're so depressed, about how badly you want to die, and then fucking get in someone's face like that. You're trash, and I'm still pissed as hell about it.

Do I not have the right to be?

Selfless, selfish

So many artists want to die. It's probably just the fact that they look at the world so much more closely than others might. Strange thought.

I'm stressed beyond belief, and oh so confused. I don't even know how to explain this situation. Let's see here...I'll go with the simplest way possible, which will probably still be confusing. So F and I were hanging out at a party, where he thought I was planning to hook up with him. I set him straight because I like D, his best friend. Later, his other friend J ended up lying with me on the sidewalk and cuddling into me and flirting, where we talked for a while. He asked if I liked F, and I told him about D. F wasn't giving us the best of looks at that moment...and when they woke up, F had to tell J how he was acting with me. I can't even imagine what was going through F's head - firstly, he's been more obvious about the fact that he likes me than he thinks, and secondly, he knows how I feel about his best friend. Shitballs. This feels like teenage shit, and I just don't want it.

Anyway, god, I can't even begin to explain what's going on in my life right now. I can't sleep, therefore I'm tired all the time. And actually, I have been sleeping, and without pills, too, which is something...yet, still tired. Fucking sucks. I don't feel comfortable fucking anywhere right now, and that's just terrible. One of my best friends is...well, she doesn't seem to realize it, but I just can't handle being around her all the time, if at all anymore. At least not in the mood I've been in lately, because all she does is whine and repeat herself, and she sounds like a fucking three-year-old. I understand you need to bitch sometimes, I fucking get it, but you've said the same things four hundred times, and no one really thought it was all that important the first time. Sorry.

I totally went out of my way to help my ex out, and he fucking ignored me. Dipshit. I ended up telling his new girlfriend, and she fucking paid it more mind than he did. He can just go fuck himself next time, I'll answer the phone and tell his boss that he doesn't care about anything but his newest victim. Lmao. I'm kidding, I just can't be cruel...not to most people. Then again, I've been pretty eh lately, it might be possible. I've picked so many fights with D, it's ridiculous. And a friend and I were talking about the way I've been feeling - which just...isn't good - and she called me out on the fact that when people get close to me, I start pushing. I always feel bad later, usually immediately afterward, but I still always do it and I always have. Fuck me. Whatevers.

I still have no job, I still live at home, I still can't afford shit for myself, I'm not doing well in school, I'm starting to even feel uncomfortable around the people I'm closest to. I'm tired of everything right now, and I just want to run away from it all. But I have nowhere to go, and I can't bring myself to disappoint my dad like that, not when he relies on me like he does. I understand that I can go and stay elsewhere, and that I can come back and drive my sisters to school, but to him, I'm abandoning them. He won't rely on me if I'm not here in the house, right where he can make sure I'm staying on track. And if I take time off school, he'll never forgive me. I have to do what he expects. I can't take a break from the things making me feel like shit. I have to keep going and just hope it turns out right, which is fucking hard when my heart's not in it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Sometimes it's just a little too hard to forget that I'm supposed to be making myself happy over everyone else. And even harder to try and talk myself into putting myself first, as strange as that sounds.


Stream of consciousness

I don't know what the right thing is anymore. If you're only making decisions to make others happy, yet you're still miserable, that's wrong, isn't it? And if what makes you happy is looked down upon, you have to either avoid it or keep it secret. So the right thing becomes - what? The thing that makes you happy or that which pleases everyone else?

They'll say you're the one who matters, but in all honesty you need to please them in the end to even consider being accepted. That's always the way it works.


I have so many things to rant about; this happens to be the most recent.

I have so much to say that I don't know what to say.

I let everything loose today, told him everything that I've wanted to say, and that pissed him off. Immediately afterward, I felt stupid as hell, regretted every little piece of it, and I just don't even understand myself. If it's been bothering me so bad, if it's been on my mind for so long, then why would it ever have been bad to share? I can't repress my feelings, and yet I really wish I would have.

The whole, "I really don't want to lose you, but I have to go for my best friend" - sure, I get it. They're practically brothers. But then it comes out that his best friend doesn't even want to go, is angry about the whole situation, and he's the one looking to run? It's tiring, always having to second-guess everything. And before the moving thing even came up, we were good, nice and happy, but afterward he begins to disappear on me...sure, he texts me, but all of a sudden he can't see me. Too busy. Maybe it's one of those fade-out things, something to make the inevitable complete loss of him a little less painful, but it's really not doing anything but making it worse. Because then he's still talking to me, still showing up every few days, still leaving some stupid hope there. Not being able to see him makes the times that I do a little better, even if it does frustrate me to no end when he's not there...that might seem weird, but it's true. Whatever.

Seriously, though, his best friend had the audacity to ask me if I was moving with them. And I'm sorry, but I can't just up and run from my life just because some boy asks me to. Granted, he didn't even ask, just his friend. So I tell his friend that I have a family, school, a life, and that I just can't give all of that up, and he tells me I'm being a baby. Boy never brings any of this up to me after I tell his friend what I've said here, and when I bring it up to him, he gets angry with me. Exact wording? "Just so you know, it's easier to run from everything when you have nothing to stay here for. Not everyone has a dad to live with or his van to drive around."

This, for some reason, really hurts me. It's not my fault that my father has taken care of me and he hardly sees his family, and I know he was looking for something to hurt me with because he was hurt himself, but fuck. The only reason I drive my dad's car is because he needed me to be able to get my sisters to and from school for him, otherwise the guys never would have allowed me to get my license unless I was the one paying for it. And honestly, I drive this boy to and from work quite a bit and I'm not even supposed to. That's my gas, that's me risking getting into trouble with my father FOR HIM. So maybe he could try NOT throwing shit in my face when I go out of my way for him so often, just maybe? I know he hurts, but maybe he needs to take a step back and be a little more appreciative of the things that are in his life, rather than the things that aren't. Like the fact that, even though he's been out of his home since thirteen, he's had friends to keep him on his feet, that he's not homeless? That he has a job and a place to live and people who care for him?

I honestly do wish things had gone better for him in his life, and I really with I could help him now, but the fact that he wants to run from his problems truly does bother me. I know things have been a little better off for me throughout my lifetime and I know that things could be so much better for him, but fuck, he relies so much on the negatives. Am I wrong to be frustrated by that?


Fuck trust.

"Steps back always find themselves becoming steps forward." A friend just said this to me, and I don't really know how I should process it. I'll have to think on it for a while.

Anyway, as I was saying there, there are a few different things weighing on me right now, and I'm really thinking I just need to take a step back from it all. Let it play out the way it's meant to, and if that includes me in any way, let it happen. If not, I shouldn't push myself into the mix.

I really want my appointment to come so I can figure out what the hell is growing on my neck. I want my mother to stop being a bastard and answer my text messages if she's going to pretend that she wants things to be okay between us. I want to feel comfortable in school and at home and fucking wherever I choose to spend my time. I want a job. I want to be able to trust my friends. I want so many things.

I'm super happy to have Kendra for a best friend, and yes, I do rank her above the rest of you. Get over it. That whole backstabber bit that we all fought? Yeah, I'm beginning to agree with it a bit, but I'll never tell anyone but Kendra the way I feel. And I realize you think very highly of yourself, but we don't all need your permission to do what we want in life. Stop trying to give unwanted advice, which really turns out to be less advice and more of you attempting to control the situation.

I'm so sick and tired of being used, of being told what to do, of so many different things.



I used this title because, for reasons I can't remember, it's a word that is written at the top of the page I wrote on September 6, and it kind of sounds poetic in itself. Anyway, these are a few of my favorite blurbs from these last few months. I won't type everything out now, because there's quite a bit.

"In the end, everything hurts. Everything ends."

"You swear it's the gift of life, but you never really gave me anything useful."

"You were just a filler in my life."

"It all starts to well up until dams break and cities flood, and everything needs to be rebuilt, but is never truly at its original state. Memories linger and history in written in stone, never forgotten."

"We may have been an empire once, but now I believe we're simply lost in the ruins, the original interpretation of our struggles completely forgotten."

"Turn on the lamp, erase some shadows, and that's a smile, not a scowl."

"There's chaos and destruction inside of absolutely everything."

"And eventually, the sun sets on all four corners of the world, and we're eventually alone."

Life, you are a crazy one.

 You know what? Life has been a giant, confusing mess of awesome lately. I don't really know what to say. I love driving even though it is the Mammoth, I love school even though I get fed up with it sometimes, I love my friends even though they're some giant douche bags from time to time (totally kidding, guys...except for Crawl. He's a douche knuckle).

This summer seemed to go by too slow until I looked at the date and realized it was over - that sucks a little bit. I met some amazing friends, and I'm thankful for all of the experiences I had. I'll never forget this last summer, guys, and I'll never forget the amount of courage I was able to muster to make it so great. Those of you who matter know what I mean by insult to those who don't.

In the long run, I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm doing with myself, but hot damn, I'm enjoying the ride. And I know, a lot of you don't like uncertainty, but I'm truly loving it. I love making my decisions as they're set in front of me, because lord knows I'm bad at planning. Nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to, never turns out the way you're hoping, and it's so much better to decide right then and there that you're going to do something that makes you happy than to expect something from life and be disappointed. That's how I feel, anyway. Not that I leave the super important shit to chance, because that's just retarded. I mean, well...hopefully you know what I mean.

I've done a lot of writing lately, but none of that exists here because I'm still without my own computer. I believe I mentioned what happened...if not, I will at some point. As soon as the money comes around, I'll be shoving a new screen in that bitch and showing up here more regularly again. Promise, I think. I'll eventually add in the writing I've done over summer, too, more because I always lose my written work after time, and I just don't want to do that.

I'm a confused person right now. On the one hand, I broke up with the boyfriend that I had for two years over the summer, and I really was looking to be single for a while, to enjoy my time alone and get over the bullshit of always having to rely on someone. On the other, I've been talking to a guy that...well, I've known him for a while, but we just became close. It's really a long story and I don't know how to get into it, but his roommate had a talk with me the other day about him, was a nice talk. I just don't know what to do about it. He's a good guy and as far as I've seen, he knows how to treat me right. I've got friends to support me, because I hate being the only set of eyes when it comes to these things, especially with my track record. I'm not looking to jump into it and have been biding my time as well as I can, but again...I have a history of judging incorrectly and jumping before I've judged properly. We'll see how this goes. So far, single life ftw.

I'd like to think that I'm intelligent, that I'm capable of making decent decisions, of thinking the right thoughts, of taking care of myself, but it's just hard to believe with people always breathing down your neck, you know? Always telling you that you're wrong, that you aren't actually happy, only looking for comfort. I honestly don't believe that, but arguing isn't worth the time and I'm tired of fighting what people believe with what I know. Sure, sometimes I make the wrong decisions, I've honestly already stated that, but there's not one person who can argue that they haven't. We're human, it's a messy thing to be. Sometimes we're incorrect, sometimes we end up with scrapes and bruises, but we always end up with knowledge. And you know, I've healed after every ounce of hurt I've been given, physical or mental, and I'll continue to do so. It hasn't made me want to stop trying and testing, taking chances, and I'll only give up when that day comes, when I've been defeated to the point that I just can't go on any longer. But I'm stronger than that, and I'm not going to let the world trump me this early on just because of a few negative experiences. Having one bad person in my life doesn't make all of them bad, and while I may fall into a lot of repetitive motions, I find some sort of happiness in my experiences. Even when they don't last, there's something fulfilling there or else I wouldn't have bothered in the first place. I always ease out when it stops being healthy, and for that, I'm happy with myself.

In the end, I love my life, and no one else has any say in what makes me happy. I'm sorry to say it.