Rewind! Take it easy.
Remove that finger from the fast-forward button, you're missing the show.
My weekend was awesome, but now every muscle in my body is screaming in pain. Also, I miss someone and I'm way bothered. On top of all of this, I'm a little freaked out (which is a different story entirely). Yes, I know I'm being vague. Yes, this post is going to continue that way. Probably because I'm too lazy to actually explain anything right now, but computers have been out of my reach for most of the weekend, and so I wanted to say something just because I'm here.
Anyway, details later.
Anyway, I'm currently in a writing cycle, obviously, but I thought I would share a few of my pictures anyway. Just for something different than a block of text.
Seriously, guys, knock it off. Realistically, all you're accomplishing by chastising me is establishing a feeling of awkwardness between us, because you're not stopping me. I'm going to continue making decisions for myself, and if that's not okay with you, all I can really do is avoid speaking of these issues in your presence. That only makes life frustrating for both of us, because I know I don't want to hide anything, and I would assume that you don't want to feel as though you're being deceived.
For the record, I promise that I'm capable of making my own decisions, and if they turn out to be mistakes, so be it. None of this is going to change me to the point that I'm not the person you know now, the most it will become is a lesson in how to better approach things in the future. And that's perfectly reasonable - it's part of everything that we do in life. Because most things don't work out, but that never stops us from trying. We're supposed to take chances, to be ourselves, to do what we need to do to be happy, and that's all I'm doing here.
If you can't agree with what I've decided, then at least try and find comfort in the fact that I'm content.
At least that.
I want to move out, but realistically, that takes me having a job - something that I would currently have if not for him telling me that I couldn't accept it. Instead, he needed me to get my sister from school, a situation which conflicted with said job. And I want a car, but no, I have to use the money that could be put toward that to pay him rent, which I could be wasting somewhere where I am actually capable of being an adult. I really do understand that I have responsibilities here, and I've accepted that. I've done what he's asked of me with little complaint (at least to him), and I've tried my hardest to make it simple for him. He's a single father, I understand that that's not always going to be easy, but I really do believe that I have to get out of here to be capable of growing as a person. And sure, it's not exactly going to be a piece of cake getting myself out into the world...I haven't tried to pretend it would be, but I believe it's time to figure that out for myself instead of being told so by my father.
Now he's telling me my other sister may be driving within a month, and that honestly doesn't even bother me. Once she's driving, there's nothing holding me here. I can get a job, I can live the way I want to live, I can leave without feeling like I'm abandoning the family, like I'm leaving them with no way of getting themselves to school. I'm turning twenty in less than a month - fucking twenty, and yet I can't go out on school nights, I can't buy myself the things I need, no, instead I'm treated like a twelve-year-old fucking child. I'm tired of it, and I've been so afraid of disappointing him that I've just kept my mouth shut in order to please him.
I just...I don't know how I feel right now. Earlier, something happened that made me feel strange but that any normal person probably wouldn't have wasted energy thinking about. And then in the middle of it all, I was granted the chance to hang out with my best friend, and was happy enough that the incident hardly mattered. At the end, though, a similar situation came along to just sandwich my insecurity in nice and tight, but my happiness was still lingering and I therefore didn't give it much thought - that is, not until I was alone in my room. This was the time of day during which I had nothing to focus on but the situation, one that, like I said, would never have mattered to someone who wasn't dissecting it repeatedly, almost helplessly, making more of it than (I'm sure) it was ever realistically close to being.
I hate my mind sometimes.
I don't know why I have to focus on the negative things. There was so much good mixed into today, why can't I just throw out the extremely small amount of bad and let it rest? Why can't I relive the positive until I fall asleep to it, and let my mind wander with thoughts of the generous amount of happiness I found in today rather than the slight discomfort it brought me?
I don't know the answer to that either. If I realize what's wrong, shouldn't it be so easy to fix? I hope you didn't say yes to that, because while I really do want to be on your side, optimists, we all know that it's not that simple.
I'll fix me, though. Eventually. And even if I don't, I'll learn to live with myself, and eventually I can love myself, as well.
Maybe the solution is that you should just ignore everything I've ever mentioned, because then it will all look new to you no matter what. Unless what I told you was that you should look out, because the bear behind you looks angry and hungry and maul-y. Then you might regret that decision.
Never mind, just ignore that last paragraph instead.
I don't know how to explain this properly, so I'm just going to delve into an extremely poor analogy here instead: it's like I don't have enough hard drive space for you in this shitty computer that is my life (I know, it's pretty bad - but I did warn you). And even if that weren't the case, my software seems to be picking you up as a virus while someone else's may find you completely harmless. In all honesty, you're something that, at least currently, just needs to be uninstalled.
Don't judge me for such an awful comparison, and please do have a nice life.