Selfless, selfish

So many artists want to die. It's probably just the fact that they look at the world so much more closely than others might. Strange thought.

I'm stressed beyond belief, and oh so confused. I don't even know how to explain this situation. Let's see here...I'll go with the simplest way possible, which will probably still be confusing. So F and I were hanging out at a party, where he thought I was planning to hook up with him. I set him straight because I like D, his best friend. Later, his other friend J ended up lying with me on the sidewalk and cuddling into me and flirting, where we talked for a while. He asked if I liked F, and I told him about D. F wasn't giving us the best of looks at that moment...and when they woke up, F had to tell J how he was acting with me. I can't even imagine what was going through F's head - firstly, he's been more obvious about the fact that he likes me than he thinks, and secondly, he knows how I feel about his best friend. Shitballs. This feels like teenage shit, and I just don't want it.

Anyway, god, I can't even begin to explain what's going on in my life right now. I can't sleep, therefore I'm tired all the time. And actually, I have been sleeping, and without pills, too, which is something...yet, still tired. Fucking sucks. I don't feel comfortable fucking anywhere right now, and that's just terrible. One of my best friends is...well, she doesn't seem to realize it, but I just can't handle being around her all the time, if at all anymore. At least not in the mood I've been in lately, because all she does is whine and repeat herself, and she sounds like a fucking three-year-old. I understand you need to bitch sometimes, I fucking get it, but you've said the same things four hundred times, and no one really thought it was all that important the first time. Sorry.

I totally went out of my way to help my ex out, and he fucking ignored me. Dipshit. I ended up telling his new girlfriend, and she fucking paid it more mind than he did. He can just go fuck himself next time, I'll answer the phone and tell his boss that he doesn't care about anything but his newest victim. Lmao. I'm kidding, I just can't be cruel...not to most people. Then again, I've been pretty eh lately, it might be possible. I've picked so many fights with D, it's ridiculous. And a friend and I were talking about the way I've been feeling - which just...isn't good - and she called me out on the fact that when people get close to me, I start pushing. I always feel bad later, usually immediately afterward, but I still always do it and I always have. Fuck me. Whatevers.

I still have no job, I still live at home, I still can't afford shit for myself, I'm not doing well in school, I'm starting to even feel uncomfortable around the people I'm closest to. I'm tired of everything right now, and I just want to run away from it all. But I have nowhere to go, and I can't bring myself to disappoint my dad like that, not when he relies on me like he does. I understand that I can go and stay elsewhere, and that I can come back and drive my sisters to school, but to him, I'm abandoning them. He won't rely on me if I'm not here in the house, right where he can make sure I'm staying on track. And if I take time off school, he'll never forgive me. I have to do what he expects. I can't take a break from the things making me feel like shit. I have to keep going and just hope it turns out right, which is fucking hard when my heart's not in it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Sometimes it's just a little too hard to forget that I'm supposed to be making myself happy over everyone else. And even harder to try and talk myself into putting myself first, as strange as that sounds.