I honest to god cannot decide how I feel tonight; no one, including myself, will ever understand this. Whatever it is, I'm not as sad as I should be, yet not as happy as I should be if it weren't affecting me at all. Does that make sense? No? Not to me, either. I hate this feeling.
I don't know how I'm getting to school tomorrow. I mean, I can walk, but it's been so unbareably cold lately that I'm not looking forward to it. I know for a fact that I'll have to walk home, though, because even with finding a ride to school, everyone will be at work or school themselves by the time I get out. I'm also not looking forward to spending so much time alone during free periods...I'm not looking forward to doing a hell of a lot alone, I'll tell you that. I need people with me to feel comfortable, and I hate myself incredibly for being so damned crippled, relying on people like I do.
In the end, I don't know what I want and I don't know how I feel. I just tried to do my homework and my heart's not in it. I know, I know, whose heart is ever in homework? But it's not that. Usually, I can at least get it done, we do it together and anything one of us doesn't understand the other either knows or helps to figure out. Tonight I don't feel right about it. I want to look over and make sure he's getting it, but he's not here. Then I want to call and make sure he's going to do it at all so that I'm not getting a grade that he isn't. That's the way our relationships always been, and it's going to be a hell of a chore getting myself out of this mindset.
It's not fair that the human mind does this to us, is it? We get into routines and while circumstances can change in an istant, our brains hold on to the memories and the knee-jerk reactions to those we've loved, emotions remain where we're trying to shed them, and we're left to hurt and sting because our minds are huge douchebags. I don't know about anyone else, but when I've gone through something unusually painful or traumatic, I certainly don't want to keep reliving it through reverie because my brain's gone off on holiday. No, not fair at all.