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10.06.2009

I'm so fucking sorry.

Some say they're too different but truthfully, with us it's just that we're still the same. Nothing's changed, and everything will continue to be the same for the rest of eternity, boring us into a blasé old age that we're too feeble to escape.

I don't know the future, but I am almost sure that I don't want it and absolutely certain that I won't be able to handle it. I am too uncertain, and that is exactly what's gotten us here, this place that neither of us are truly happy but we both want to pretend we are.

I'm sure it's because we're afraid. We may be afraid of being alone, but mostly it's of losing the love that we had in the beginning (why didn't we realize it was already gone?). We're stewing in our unhappiness because we don't want to admit to ourselves or anyone else that we were wrong, but it's probably time to swallow our pride and just move on now, don't you agree? We'll get over it eventually, and we can find happiness elsewhere (I know there was happiness here once, but I've become too entirely depressed and tired to look for it again).

It's much easier just to go. I know that they swear by never taking the easy way out, but I've always gone against that. You know this, because it's something that you hate about me. You can watch it happen just once more and then move on, find someone else to take the rocky path with you to what I hope is a stable and beautiful future. I'm sorry that it can't be with me. I'm truly, deeply sorry, and I won't lie and say that this doesn't hurt me more than I can remember hurting since Allen died, but I also can't lie to you anymore.

I do love you. Don't ever be so blind as to believe that I don't love you, because I always will, and that is not anything close to a lie. I just can't do this anymore. I can't hold you here, because it's not fair. It's not fair to me, because I'm sacrificing my happiness to try and make yours, and failing still. It's not fair to you, because you're looking to me to make you happy and I'm no good at it. It's not fair to you because you're looking for solace in me and I can't offer you that. Because you're looking for something for the rest of your life and I have more doubts than I've ever been able to tell you, for fear of hurting you.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, and I've been tiptoeing around this relationship because of that. And my god, it's just not fair.

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