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Taken from my badass notebook, full of badass-ness. Neither of these are words.

I'm irrationally afraid of the dark. I mean, sure, a lot of people are, but I'm not using the word irrationally lightly here.

Let me set the stage: say I go into the back yard at  two in the morning for a cigarette, okay? It's nearly pitch black save for the lights you can see from maybe stores? Because apparently my neighborhood doesn't believe that light which isn't the sun should exist. My neighbors and family are all sleeping like normal people should be.

And then there's a sound. I live near the most trafficked street in town, so I should be thinking, what? It's probably traffic. Somebody's house cat in roaming my yard. The breeze is passing through the trees and nothing's going to eat me.

However, in which direction does my mind immediately go? WILD BEAR. And that thing floating in my pool? Is an alligator, obviously. And there's a cheetah in the bushes, and I'm probably about to be eaten by a malicious, fire-breathing dragon who will roast me with one breath and skewer me and share me with his friends by some kind of dragon campfire, and oh my god, did I forget my sword?

Realistically, nobody's been eaten by a dragon since Medieval times. Probably. Just to be sure, though, you should probably check the closet. NO, NOT LIKE THAT, WEAR SOME CHAINMAIL.

Anyway, I've been attempting to adopt a better outlook on life; little progress so far, I think. Wait, what does that have to do with how this started? No idea. I'm not very good at transitions sometimes.

I guess there are a lot of things that scare me in my life - most irrational. Oh, there's the connection!

For instance, someone touching my spine? Freaks me out. And the window being open while I sleep. Why? Because spines snap, and because hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your fucking husband, because they're raping everybody out here.

For you, this is probably humorous. You're probably singing the song in your head right now, and oh god, isn't it so funny? But do you know what it means to me? IT MEANS CLOSE THE FUCKING WINDOW, ASSHOLE.

Or you can leave it open. But don't say I didn't warn you. If you decide to ignore this, maybe include a cute little sign, "Rapists Welcome."

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