Been out for a near-constant two weeks, and I have to face the fact that my high is over. I'm back in a depressive slump and I have no idea how it will last, nor how bad I will feel.
Wisecracks that I should be used to do nothing but cut me down, opposed to making me laugh. I know they're joking, and I have no problem with making fun of myself. Usually. Now I just cry. No more of this friend's house for at least a few weeks.
Sorry for whining. I just need to get out what I feel while I have access to a computer.
My mom and I got into a huge fight, because I called her out on the fact that she was never there for us. My dad wants me to either pay him rent or get out. My boyfriend and I got into our own huge fight, and he broke my laptop screen, which will cost me over one hundred bucks to fix. Everyone wants me to break up with my boyfriend.
Have to go babysit today. I think I forgot something else that I wanted to write here.
I don't know what I want. I don't know anything right now.
7.03.2010
The ups and downs.
I have so many ups and downs that either one is absolutely normal these days.
I'm currently going through an 'up.' I consider it one if just sitting around my house is a good day, because there are times that I can't stand this. Today I woke up, played video games, had dinner with my family, and other than that, did absolutely nothing. Fireworks keep going off somewhere in my neighborhood and they're driving me crazy. I guess that's my only complaint.
I know I haven't been posting much lately. Depending on how you want to categorize this, I don't think I'm leaning toward total disappearance. My reasoning this time around is that I've been out with friends an awful lot, and I've been having the time of my life. The summer after I graduated was the one that I've always considered the best, but this one is already competing for the title. I feel great, I'm spending time with fun people, and I've already experienced some absolutely amazing things.
There are some terrible things that have gone on, of course. My boyfriend's best friend just lost a sister to skin cancer, and I feel so sorry for him. On top of that, four people I know are currently in prison: two for illegal fireworks (lay off, California, everyone does it), my (step) brother for drugs, and someone I knew in high school for child pornography - I never saw that coming, and I have a disgusted feeling in my stomach every time I think about him. Goes to show that you don't really know anyone's dirty secrets.
Hope you're all doing well.
I'm currently going through an 'up.' I consider it one if just sitting around my house is a good day, because there are times that I can't stand this. Today I woke up, played video games, had dinner with my family, and other than that, did absolutely nothing. Fireworks keep going off somewhere in my neighborhood and they're driving me crazy. I guess that's my only complaint.
I know I haven't been posting much lately. Depending on how you want to categorize this, I don't think I'm leaning toward total disappearance. My reasoning this time around is that I've been out with friends an awful lot, and I've been having the time of my life. The summer after I graduated was the one that I've always considered the best, but this one is already competing for the title. I feel great, I'm spending time with fun people, and I've already experienced some absolutely amazing things.
There are some terrible things that have gone on, of course. My boyfriend's best friend just lost a sister to skin cancer, and I feel so sorry for him. On top of that, four people I know are currently in prison: two for illegal fireworks (lay off, California, everyone does it), my (step) brother for drugs, and someone I knew in high school for child pornography - I never saw that coming, and I have a disgusted feeling in my stomach every time I think about him. Goes to show that you don't really know anyone's dirty secrets.
Hope you're all doing well.
Writer's Block: Love or be loved?
Do you think a romantic relationship can ever be equal or will one partner always love and/or compromise more than the other? Given the choice, would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved more?
All relationships are, at best, 60/40. And as much as I regret it, I'm the one who loves less and is loved more. I can't seem to change that, even if I want to, because it just feels so wrong to pretend.
6.25.2010
I love life!
Last night I faced my biggest fear.
I climbed with three friends to the top of Moro Rock, which is 7,000 feet above sea level and a few hours' drive away from home, at midnight. After looking it up, I now know that the climb consists of 400 stairs and (my own knowledge here) a whole lot of scary. The were points where, even if your eyes were acclimated to the dark, you could see nothing but trees and darkness and a long fall into deep, blind nothingness.
It was the most beautiful, invigorating, terrifyingly amazing thing I've ever done in my entire life.
Being the middle of the night, there was no one there but us. We saw signs warning us of bears and lightning strikes and so many freaky things. And about halfway up the trail, there's this spot where you can stop for a minute and take a breather on a small bench, and you look out onto hundreds, maybe thousands of city lights. They say that if you go up there on a clear day you can see the ocean behind them, and that we were apparently looking onto our own town as well as LA, Santa Cruz, Three Rivers...a ton of places which, if you know California, are pretty damn widespread. It was the most amazing thing.
And of course, going past this point was where I really started to freak out. Did I mention yet that my greatest fear is that of heights? Yeah. I can't even walk on the second story of a house if I can see through the railing. Seriously. And not only could I see through the railing into a pit of death, but half the time the rocks that are supposed to work as railing were only about waist high. Oh my god, I thought I was going to die.
When we finally got to the top (it took a lot of coaxing, let me tell you) I sat down and hyperventilated for a while. And then my friends went on a little further to do much scarier things (as in walk on top a cliff with measly railing on each side, which they decided to climb over) and I sat there, calmed down, appreciated the smell of the forest and the sounds of the birds, the river, of peace. It was beautiful.
We were in the middle of nothing, wild animals lurking everywhere beneath us, and it was the most freeing thing in the world. In my few minutes of being alone, I contemplated dying, of falling or jumping off of that mountain.
And then I decided that, why would I have been so damn panicked walking that trail if I actually wanted to die? And what would that give me? I wouldn't have the chance to live moments like this one ever again; I wouldn't have friends to stand by me while I faced my greatest fears - which is almost paralyzing in the moment, but later is the greatest feeling in the world. I wouldn't have any chance to feel anything as wonderful ever again.
So I'm alive today. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to be.
I climbed with three friends to the top of Moro Rock, which is 7,000 feet above sea level and a few hours' drive away from home, at midnight. After looking it up, I now know that the climb consists of 400 stairs and (my own knowledge here) a whole lot of scary. The were points where, even if your eyes were acclimated to the dark, you could see nothing but trees and darkness and a long fall into deep, blind nothingness.
It was the most beautiful, invigorating, terrifyingly amazing thing I've ever done in my entire life.
Being the middle of the night, there was no one there but us. We saw signs warning us of bears and lightning strikes and so many freaky things. And about halfway up the trail, there's this spot where you can stop for a minute and take a breather on a small bench, and you look out onto hundreds, maybe thousands of city lights. They say that if you go up there on a clear day you can see the ocean behind them, and that we were apparently looking onto our own town as well as LA, Santa Cruz, Three Rivers...a ton of places which, if you know California, are pretty damn widespread. It was the most amazing thing.
And of course, going past this point was where I really started to freak out. Did I mention yet that my greatest fear is that of heights? Yeah. I can't even walk on the second story of a house if I can see through the railing. Seriously. And not only could I see through the railing into a pit of death, but half the time the rocks that are supposed to work as railing were only about waist high. Oh my god, I thought I was going to die.
When we finally got to the top (it took a lot of coaxing, let me tell you) I sat down and hyperventilated for a while. And then my friends went on a little further to do much scarier things (as in walk on top a cliff with measly railing on each side, which they decided to climb over) and I sat there, calmed down, appreciated the smell of the forest and the sounds of the birds, the river, of peace. It was beautiful.
We were in the middle of nothing, wild animals lurking everywhere beneath us, and it was the most freeing thing in the world. In my few minutes of being alone, I contemplated dying, of falling or jumping off of that mountain.
And then I decided that, why would I have been so damn panicked walking that trail if I actually wanted to die? And what would that give me? I wouldn't have the chance to live moments like this one ever again; I wouldn't have friends to stand by me while I faced my greatest fears - which is almost paralyzing in the moment, but later is the greatest feeling in the world. I wouldn't have any chance to feel anything as wonderful ever again.
So I'm alive today. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to be.
And I'm still alive!
New friends, the river, a midnight hike 7,000 feet in the air and spending the night with awesome people.
Best 24 hours of my life!
Best 24 hours of my life!
6.23.2010
6.22.2010
Posting too close together again.
I think I'm depressed.
I've been feeling so sad lately and I have no idea why. And I want everything to change and I want to end things that I'm (usually) happy with. I'm afraid to do so many things that normal people shouldn't be afraid of - even going into a store alone. I hate everything about everything and I can't stop thinking about my dead best friend. My friends and I hang out for a nice night together and I just want to talk and think about downer bullshit.
Never mind, I think I'm just pathetic.
I've been feeling so sad lately and I have no idea why. And I want everything to change and I want to end things that I'm (usually) happy with. I'm afraid to do so many things that normal people shouldn't be afraid of - even going into a store alone. I hate everything about everything and I can't stop thinking about my dead best friend. My friends and I hang out for a nice night together and I just want to talk and think about downer bullshit.
Never mind, I think I'm just pathetic.
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